Monday 23 July 2012

Life


Hell I'm feeling reflective today. Maybe it's the time of year, being out on the boat everyday, or having seen old friends recently, but I just feel like everything is, after all, okay.  I feel like the sadness and darkness that I've felt in the past has begun to fade and that things are going to come good. That they are already good.
Why is it that some things just suddenly click into place? It became clear today that everything happens and then it's done. Bad things happen and then, eventually, the scars they made begin to fade.

It may seem like a very typical thing for me to say, what with me now crewing on a fishing boat, but life to me seems a lot like the tide: It rises and falls. Sometimes there's loads of fish, sometimes it's a lonely day at sea. Sometimes people are there for you, sometimes they aren't. The tide will go out, but it's a fact that it will come back in, filling the harbour to the brim, the boats all becoming buoyant. And yes, sometimes the tide is so low you'll be trying to wade out to sea for half a mile and you'll still only be in three foot of water, but you'll get there eventually, and the peace of being out there when you arrive will make it worthwhile.

There is a little Buddhist teaching I read, that I have adopted as my life motto; " Samsara is Nirvana". Meaning, the paddling out is all part of catching the wave. The hard times get you to the good times. So there is something to be taken from every shitty day- you keep trudging through, because what else is there to do? You'll make it in the end.

I feel like I'm home. I'm with old friends who make me remember growing up when I see them. They give me my roots. It's as though, without realising it, I needed to be back here to remind me who I am. Some things will never change and there's some great clarity and joy in that.
The last few years have been a blur of moves and houses but not really any home. Being back here seems to give some relief.


I've been single for a year and three months now and I am content with myself in that sense. I don't feel alone. I get to see my friends and go to work and basically do as I please without having to consult anyone else.

Saying that, sometimes I miss the feeling of skin on skin, one of life's purest pleasures. To feel someone else's skin touching yours brings something out of the core of all of us, I think. It's a beautiful thing that there are all these gadgets and shops and clothes, expensive holidays and fabulous restaurants, but that ultimately, it is us, the human race, that bring the most happiness and pleasure to ourselves. The primitive hard wiring still lingers.


I wonder who that next person for me will be, although I'm not in a hurry to meet them- I have a feeling the universe will do as it will regardless of whether I look for them or not. But it's strange thinking about being with someone again. Being so comfortable with someone. Talking to them, lying with them, the excitement that comes with learning things about someone you are falling in love with.

I was reading a book the other day and I learned that the neurons that are fired up in your brain when you feel that sensation of 'love' are enormously similar to those found in people deemed mentally ill. All logic flees and you are, in fact, crazy about someone. I'm not sure if that's creepy or incredible. Maybe both.

You can take no control over who you fall in love with, or when. You can't stop the shitty things in life happening, but good things will come around eventually and it will all fall into place- like it was supposed to go exactly the way it did.

I guess, in my characteristic long-winded way, I'm saying; "How could it be any other way?"
Trevor Hall says it better:


That's all for now,
Jojo xxx

Monday 9 July 2012

A Life at Sea - The Pro's and Con's



This Summer I am working as crew on a fishing boat, The Four Brothers. It operates daily fishing trips available to the public.
As part of my job I do a bit of fishing, tie the boat off and on to the harbour/mooring, take fish off hooks, gut and fillet them and  also handle the bigger beasts of the sea, should one cop on to an inexperienced rod.
It has been three weeks since I started and I feel there are pro's and con's to this job. Below are the definitive lists:

PRO'S:

1) I get to be on the water all day in the Summer

2) I don't have to dress snazzy

3) I get fresh fish for din din's

4) I can tie a badass bowline knot

5) I know lots of different fish (for when I want to chat up fisherman...?)

6) I'm being active all day long

7) I get to drive a dinghy

CON'S:

1) I reek of fish - not the greatest of attributes for a young, single female

2) I have to stand on a boat in the pissing down rain all day

3) My body becomes covered in mackerel scales, making me seem like some incestual freaky-fish-woman to tourists

4) I have to smile at spawn of Satan kids and pretend to their parents that they are the loveliest things in the whole world

5) During the day the passengers either: insult my intelligence, make jokes about me being a girl doing a 'mans job' or look at me like I'm some sort of dirty cretin (well, that or a lesbian)

6) There is often some absolute moron who doesn't like fish, but thinks fishing is a good idea, so when they catch something they squeal and throw the rod around on the boat meaning there is a 80% chance I am going to get a hook in my back, cheek or tit. And sometimes even a fish in my face (all of these events have occurred)

7) At after-work drinks, when speaking to anyone, my opening line has to be "It's not a yeast infection; I work on the fishing boats" which is repulsive yet necessary.


So there you go, it's pretty close. I love it, although I am considering buying maternity nipple pads (see con #6).

That's all for now,
Jojo xxx

Tuesday 3 July 2012

Overdue Tears at Inappropriate Times.

Nanny, Nannah and I, celebrating my results.

I got my final degree results yesterday; I am now the proud owner of a 2:1 in BA (Hons) Multimedia Journalism from Bournemouth University. I am ecstatic. All the hard work finally seems worthwhile. All the stress, the tears and the tiredness has been made good.

You may be surprised to hear that on receiving this news I wept, with a heavy heart and an emptiness that seemed to fill this whole house. Yes I was happy with my results, I had no aspirations of getting a first class honours. But I got my results with the funeral card of my Grandad in my hand.

Some of you who read this blog regularly might remember a post written on the day of my Grandad's death in March. It might seem silly to some of you that I should still be crying about the death of a man who died at 84; healthy, happy and with great friends and family around him. But I seem to have had delayed mourning. I was, of course, devastated for the weeks following the news, but I was so snowed under with University work and various other small drama's in my life that I had to just get on with it.

 I didn't cry in the company of friends or family (it is, apparently, one of my flaws according to my Mother) as I find it embarrassing and self pitying. I haven't gotten upset in front of my Dad for fear of pushing him over the edge. Since the death of his father he has been hollowed. His voice is so weak and defeated and his eyes break my heart to look into. I just wish I could fix it. And that's a big part of my sadness too- my helplessness, my inability to make anything better when I wish with every fibre in my body that I could bring some light into his darkness, to shine something into those shadows. But I know I can't.

So, although I've cried countless times alone, I hadn't really dealt with it properly. And now it hurts. It aches and it tugs at me. I know all things must pass- my recent delve into Buddhism has taught me to accept that sadness is inevitable and that nothing is constant- but it hasn't seemed to make the slightest bit of difference. If anything it makes me furious (an emotion completely contradictory to Buddhism teachings). How dare any thing, religion or person, suggest that the death of such a great man is just how the world is, that I should accept it.

I know many of you will cringe reading this and think I'm just a whiny little dramatic bore. Well fuck off and don't read any more. Because this is how I feel and that's exactly what I write here.
And no there are no confessions of public humiliations or sexual disasters, but if I were to make it up I wouldn't be being honest. And I don't believe in that.

So this post ends with a note of respect and remembrance. I am so devastated that you are not here to celebrate and be proud of me at such a pivotal time in my life, but I am eternally grateful for the support you gave me along the way and I hope that, in some way, you can feel my love.

That's all for now
Jojo xxx