Tuesday 11 March 2014

How You Piss Your Waitress Off

Don't Push Me...
I've worked in hospitality on and off since the age of 12, when I flooded the cafe I was washing dishes in. Since that time I have developed a seasoned hatred for people who do the things that I will list below. I am sure that I am not alone in this. Here is a list of things that your waitress/server/chef will think you are an entitled fucking moron for doing:

1) Asking to swap ridiculous things. For example (in a stupid voice of your choice) "Guhhhh, can I swap the lettuce for some steak?", "I want to swap my half a tomato for two sausages". Also this type of request will induce a good eye roll: "I'll have the steak, medium rare, but more on the medium side with no blood but pink in the middle, but not so it's tough".
THE MENU IS THE MENU. THE CHEF KNOWS HOW TO COOK A STEAK. GO HOME AND COOK YOUR OWN STEAK IF YOU'RE THAT BOTHERED ABOUT IT.

2) 20 minutes before opening time: *marches into the shop* "Are you open? No?!" *huffs* "Well can you just quickly make something up for me? Just quickly? I drove all the way here? I know you don't have all the ingredients but can you just put this, this and this into a bowl please?".
NO. We are not open yet, if we make you something, other people will think we are open, in fact someone has just seen you and has walked in behind you. I WANT YOU TO DIE.

3) When a restaurant/cafe/bar is incredibly busy and clearly understaffed, it is not okay to stand at the front of the queue pondering over your decision with complete disregard for the customers waiting behind you. You had 20 minutes in the queue to decide, you should know what you want. If you don't know what you want I would recommend you step aside for someone else to order until you are ready. And to avoid a head injury.

4) When something that you want is sold out there is really nothing to be gained by aggressively whining and complaining about the fact that it's the only thing on the menu you want/like. There is literally nothing I, or anyone else, can do about there being none of it left.  I have apologised that there is none left, but it really is not my fault, and staring at me angrily and not saying anything will not make that thing spontaneously exist in front of me. Go home.

5) Similar to number 2: Don't come in 5 minutes after closing and ask us to make something for you. It's hard for us to say no, and if we do say no and you get shitty with us, I would genuinely fear for your life on your walk home.  We are closed, it is not my fault that you were going to be on time but then you forgot your purse so you had to go back home. It certainly is not my fault that you got our opening hours wrong and thought you had time to spare, and I genuinely do not give a shit that you have been looking forward to it all day. While you have been drinking wine with your friends in your fancy beach side apartment, I have been sweating my tits off since the early hours, getting burned, complained at, and have needed a piss since 11am. I would very much like to go home, have a shower and put a big, curly straw into a wine bottle.

6) When you order something, and then when it arrives, deciding you don't fancy it and coming back and complaining, saying you ordered something else. You made your order, I WROTE IT DOWN, I checked it back with you, I even explained a little about the dish to make sure you knew that it was a bit spicy/creamy/small and now you are making me look like a dick in front of my colleagues and my boss. You ordered it, you don't like it, tough shit - it's yours. But as my boss is here I have smile at you, apologise and get a new meal made up for you. You respond with a huffy thank you and that completely transparent sheepishness that shows me that you know what you did, but that you are too much of a spineless, spoilt brat to admit it.

7) Not saying 'please' and 'thank you'. It is literally the easiest thing to do in the world. Don't look down on me because I'm serving you. I don't look down on you because your lip job clearly didn't go as you'd planned and your husband is sleeping with his secretary. So just be nice, yeah?

8) Coming to the counter, completely ignoring me when I greet you, and instead calling after my boss whilst he is working. 'Hi Ben! Hi Ben! Ben! Hi! How's it going?'. He doesn't care - you are literally paying for his car and his wife's new dress. You are a walking fifty dollar/pound note to him. NOW, tell me what you want and give me the money so I can do my job.

9) You come in once a week and you expect me to remember your name and your order. We serve over 200 people a day. Your face means nothing to me, and I have absolutely no idea what 'the usual' is. I'm sure you are a lovely person, but trying to act like a celebrity in  a salad bar is quite sad. Just come in and order what you want. Like a normal human being.

10) Telling me there's a few tables that need clearing when the shop resembles a fire evacuation in a high school with a large special needs department. I am painfully aware of the fact that I would benefit from becoming a cross between an octopus and Inspector Gadget, but I can only do one thing at a time.

11) If we can't do something gluten free/vegan/nut free, don't give me that look that is usually reserved for a rotting carcass infested with maggots. I didn't write the menu, I don't cook the food and, although I empathise with you, I really don't have any patience reserved for listening to you angrily complain about the injustices of your life with IBS.

On the whole I like customers, and they are pleasant and considerate and understanding. It's just that the minority of arseholes can really give me the shits.


Also, a tip wouldn't go a miss 

That's all for now, 

JoJo
xxx