Tuesday 12 June 2012

Crocodile Tears


So I'm home now. Back in Wales. Back in Pembrokeshire to be precise. It's strange, I can't really write about what it feels like yet because I've only been here a day. I unpacked the van  and put everything into my white, empty room. All my things in drawers and boxes, my mirror leant against the wall and a carpet left bare. In my Uni house I had laminate flooring so there was an array of mis-matched rugs and bath mats scattered across the floor for heat. I think I will have them in here too. It's all a bit normal looking, I like mis-matched things.

I went into the little town where I live today and met Biki. I bought some little 'me' touches to adorn my room with; incense, candles, a little Buddha. It feels important for me to nest here, even though I'm moving to Cardiff in September to live with my Dad and get a proper job.

These past few days have been both incredible and heartbreaking. I had my final University Summer Ball. It's fancy dress and my pal Zoe and I dressed as crocodiles. Our little group all collected together for possibly the last time for pre-drinks in the sunshine (despite all the forecasts predicting rain. Someone's smiling down on us) at Esme's house and then we got on the buses to what can only be described as a mini festival. Music, fairground rides, bars and a variety of food stalls were dotted around the fields filled with thousands of students in fancy dress. It's always such a great day and night. I had the best time running around, dancing, drinking, eating and just being with the best people in the world. No drama's, no worries.

And the following day Esme left for Newquay. It was so hard. Everyone was very emotional. It was like the beginning of the end. Esme was leaving, someone else would leave tomorrow and the next day and the next day, until we were all gone. I wept, no, sobbed- big fat breathless sobs when Esme left. We hugged in the rain, both crying, remembering all the memories we have made together over the last three years. Knowing that no matter how good we are at keeping in touch, things will never truly be the same again.

I drove home, crying all the way. And the next day Grace left. My Twosy. And it all happened again. Grace was the person in uni I could most identify with. Growing up we had the same taste in music, the same family set-up and we both had a slightly bumpy ride at school. We also both had dick-head boyfriends when we were young who, as much as we hate to admit it, left a mark that's faded, but will never quite disappear completely. So Gracey went back to London.

Gracey in London, Esme in Newquay, JoJo in Wales.

It's fucking horrific. I can't help but feel a little empty. Like a plant ripped from its soil. Gasping for breath, some water, some safety. I'm getting upset again thinking about it. And you might laugh, but it hurts my heart. It physically hurts my heart. It gives me a headache. It makes me frustrated. How will I ever be the same without them?

But that's the point I suppose - that I wont be the same. They've left their own little marks, their sayings and mannerisms, their secrets, their humour and their love. Doesn't that make it worthwhile? I reckon so.

This week I am going summer job hunting; early morning chamber-maiding and late night bar work hopefully, so I can get my board back in it's home water in the days.

And I'm not going to plan much further ahead really. For the first time in a long time I don't have to do anything. That's pretty lovely.

I'm excited to see my home friends : Jess, Biki, Bex, Lu, Chazza, Jammy, Jack. It's going to be a great Summer. If the Sun would just bloody come out. Fucking Wales, such a cliché.

Oh! And I won an award for this blog! Only from my course, but I was very happy. And I'm very happy you are reading this. It's just lovely. Thanks.

That's all for now
Jojo xxx

I was singing this song all week for some reason, so it seems apt to put it here. Enjoy!