Wednesday 11 May 2016

Learning to Duck-Dive

In times of darkness you learn wonderful things.

It's been over five months since I fell off a cliff and smashed my heel into dust. Two operations, heaps of physio, endless moments of joy followed by endless bouts of sadness and a continuous and testing mental battle later, I am starting to see some improvements. I never could have imagined the emotional baggage this injury would bring with it, and I could never have imagined who would and wouldn't show up to support me.

I expected with such a gargantuan task ahead of me that the smaller hurdles in life would seem like mere grit in the road, but if anything it has magnified them. Heartbreak quadruples in size, and the echos of it seem just as loud, family arguments seem to sting more than ever before, having a spot has made me cry. Everything is harder when you're hurting - you feel like you're paddling against a never-ending set of monster waves, and you can't seem to duck-dive.

But, through this impossibly trying time I have discovered something that has genuinely touched me and brought light to my pain. Because despite the difficulties in life being magnified, so too have the joys of life. Sunshine seems to bring electricity to my skin and possibility into my mind. A smile from a stranger seems to be a float to hold onto. But the most notable thing is the genuine happiness I have found in other peoples happiness. Seeing a friend on their travels makes me smile to myself. Witnessing a kiss between two people in love brings me a sense of relief and joy I can't properly explain. Someone finishing their exams or a stranger smiling at their phone lifts my mood. And acknowledging the happiness it brings me, brings me even more. It is a magical thing to see in yourself - the ability to feel joy in other people's good fortune. It is an astounding feat of human capacity that gives me faith in us. Knowing my ability to love and care for others has been a way to give love and support to myself. It gives the world an air of possibility, it gives me some energy to keep paddling against those waves, and to encourage and support others in their own personal ocean.


There are times when I feel helpless, angry and frustrated with what has happened, and every now and again I have to drive to the water and release that energy into the comforting sound of the relentless waves. But my ability to cope with those feelings is ever-increasing and that growing emotional strength whispers to me the promise of a brighter day. It teaches me how to duck-dive.

So if you're having a shitty moment and you can't find the mental strength to push through, look around and try to find happiness in those around you.

JoJo