So Christmas 2012 has been and gone. 2013 doesn't even seem like a real year. It's as though we are all living in some extremely boring sci-fi film. This would all make sense considering the amount of disfiguring attributes so many women seem to be sporting as of late. I just don't get it. I have issues with a selection of women's "enhancements"...
...The first and foremost of these being fucking horrificly ugly, camel-esque, False Eyelashes. They are truly vomit-worthy. I literally do not know anybody who looks good with them. They are tacky and obvious and just pointless. Everyone has eyelashes. Be good to them and they wont crust off in the wind. Take your make-up off once in a while.
Also, I have come to discover that you GLUE them on. GLUE. ON YOUR EYES. This is clearly madness. It's got to be some sort of viral sci-fi mind infection. There is no sense in it. It's like Chlamydia- even the most unexpected, self respecting women are popping up with them. They truly remind me of some sort of drag-queen cartoon camel. So what if you don't have luscious long eyelashes? I'm sure you have other great features to compensate for it. Plus, I hardly think any man is observant enough to notice your stubby singed lashes in the first place. Chances are his eyes are elsewhere.
Secondly, Scouse-Brows. I genuinely thought this was a joke. I thought "Desperate Scousewives" was a spoof. When I realised that it was real life I felt I could at least feel safe in the more humble area of Pembrokeshire. But no. They are here. THEY ARE HERE. And they are growing, both in numbers and in size. They are like cockroaches on your forehead.
In my humble opinion, they are a sure fire way to make yourself look like a tacksville-tramp. They also guarantee to distract from any other part of your face. Which, if you have some sort of horrific ailment/elephantitis/puss-covered acne - is great. Although, I fear I'd rather any of those things to having, what appears to be two large, hairy shits above my eyes.
Thirdly, Gem Covered Nails. These are both unsightly and, quite frankly, a health risk. Forget gun laws, there needs to be restrictions on these claws. My worry is this: how on earth are you supposed to wipe your arse without injuring yourself? What if you lose a gem mid-wipe? That's surely very worrying.
Also. Masturbation?
Also. Sexual foreplay?
Also. touching anything?
Also. why do you want to look like the witch from snow white? You know the one- with the warts and the long jewelled nails? Maybe I am just far too uncool and I have failed to notice that chav/hillbilly is the new black, and that TopShop are currently unloading crates full of velour tracksuits and ra-ra skirts. Ooh and maybe white-leather thigh boots have made a comeback? Maybe.
Now, New Years is fast approaching and I will make the same resolution I have done for the last six years; to be more ladylike.
I understand that I am 21 and I need to be wearing make-up every now and again. And that shorts are just not suitable winter wear. I must stop leaving my leg hair to grow and properly commit to using a hairbrush on a daily basis.
However; with this in mind, I will continue to despise the above... accessories? feminine aesthetic additives? Halloween-chic adornments? forever and always. And I think there is not a single woman in the world who isn't more beautiful without them.
Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2013 doesn't result in alien takeover and that you all make it the year for your success.
That's all for now
Jojo xxx
