Friday 25 June 2010

Swimming, Drowning and Diving in.


I am quite shit at swimming, I should be good, I've spent most of my life in the bitter seas of Great Britain, but I am shit.

Don't get me wrong, I can swim a decent way, I just think I should have a better technique. It makes it all a lot more graceful if you finish your lengths and your goggles aren't full of water and your hair isn't in your mouth and you aren't gasping.

I think swimming's like a lot of things in life. You've gotta learn to be resilient, to be able to stay afloat when someone capsises your boat without warning. And you've gotta learn to do that without any one else, without any armbands. You've gotta do it on your own, with your own strength and knowlege.

Sometimes you meet people who you know could throw you into that icy ,dark sea at any moment and it's really scary. I guess you've gotta work out if they're worth that risk. If they're worth that submergence into the cold water that takes your breath away. It's hard trying to work out if someones worth the risk, 'cause for most of us, being capsised once changes your whole perspective on the water.

It's just one of those things. Some people fall off a horse and never get back on it. Some people get back on straight away and others need time before they can come to terms with the whole experience and get back on.

I think I'm the latter. It's not like I'm never gunna ride a horse again, it's just I'll make sure I'm as safe as I can be....Just re-read that, sounds like sexual inuendo. It's not. Some girl died from shagging a horse, I am NEVER EVER EVER doing that again.

I guess I never thought I was insecure, turns out everyone is, even if it's just a little bit.
I'm insecure because I've all but once had the power to capsise someone's boat, and now, someone else could capsise mine with a click of their fingers.

So the big question is should one pack armbands just in case? Or just trust that the waters will be kind to you this time?

Jojo xxx

I wrote this post listening to : Jose Gonzalles.

Sunday 13 June 2010

Packing away memories.

Today I've woken up feeling a little defeated. It's time to pack up and get ready to make the huuuuge trip home to Wales. Part of me knows I have to leave, but the majority of me doesn't want to go back for fear of this streak of happiness ending. This year has been so much to me, it's shaped who I am and forced me to make big, adult decisions. I know staying here would mean I would be poor, bored and alone but the idea of going back to my big old empty room in Tenby just isn't appealing to me right now.


I don't want anyone else to have my matchbox room, I dont want anyone else to make memories in this tiny, dusty cube. And I know people have been here before me and felt the same but I just can't shake the territorial part of me. The huge hole in the back of my door was originally very ugly and annoying, it is now a pioneering piece of modern art, built in. And its mine for fucks sake, it's mine.


Living in Hurn House is not the most glamorous of student halls but you know what, ever since I was about 14 I wanted to rough it. I love camping and bugs and dirt and being skint. It's what students are meant to do. The toilet blocks every week, pretty much without fail, and taking a shower knowing there is someone else's shit fermenting within a yard of you is not 'fun' but it has student written all over it. Having a kitchen with no windows and air con that doesn't work is very annoying but walking in and seeing Lara and Georgie red and sweating and swearing from frustration is quite comical. (mainly because they would normally be horizontal doing so)


What I'm saying is this year I've done some really good stuff, and some really stupid stuff. This year epitomises 'learning curve' and yeah I've cried a lot but my god have I laughed a lot too. And that's how it works isn't it? You've got to go through the shitty times to really appreciate the good times.


Today I'm beginning to shift through my things, I know full well that I'm going to need a skip to accomodate the amount of shit I have accumulated this year. And over the summer I'll be working in a disgusting chip shop (desperate times...) enduring 12 hour shifts without a break but I know that it will all be worth it. When I'm not in work I can catch up with everyone else and just chill on the beach like we used to and reminisce about being 15 and paraletic in the sea on a Friday night, our parents believing we were doing work at each others houses. And in September, we'll all be gone again, leaving only the echos of our voices and the chaos we have caused behind us. None of us ever go quietly.

And I'm pretty sure none of us ever will.

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Overview of the year.


All our exams are over and the first uni year is done. I cannot believe how fast its gone.
This year has been the most stressful, hardest but most exciting year of my life so far. Everything has shifted and I feel like I've adjusted to it really well.
The amount of work I have endured this year is unreal and yet I still feel at the bottom of the course. I've scraped by this year, I really have. My work ethic has been poor, managing a pass being my main objective. I haven't really tried to achieve anything spectacular and I haven't felt that rewarding sense of success when getting my papers back.

Next year is a year for change, I need to do that bit extra to shine above the rest. I am so passionate about what I'm studying so why aren't I channeling that into my work? It's beyond me how relaxed I have been.

I'm so much happier now than I was in some of the earliest posts on here. I was reading them back, cringing at what I'd said and yet here I am, sat at my desk writing another. To be honest it's not for anyone else, I just write it to get it out, I sometimes write on here, post it and then read it back and realise things about myself I never knew I thought. I know it seems very pretentious to think anyone else cares about my life and how I feel, and I could just write a journal, but there's something about sending it out into the world of the internet that gives me a release, like I'm sending it all away out of my brain to some other place.

So I'm sorry if this blog offends you or annoys you but it is very easily avoided, I don't expect anyone to be interested in my thoughts and ramblings but it's just how I do it.

Today I met Owen's sister, I was actually a bit nervous about it because I really wanted to make a good impression. Owen has a big family and mine is teeny, so he only had to meet Muma Ayris and she is very easily impressed. Anyway, we met for tea in a little cafe here in Bournemouth and it wasn't scary at all, I was a bit self concious at first but then just realised that she is not a crazy bitch and she didn't try to test me on anything and I didn't feel judged. So that is one down and about a gzillion to go.

In other news I have ballooned to a ridiculously enlarged version of myself in the past 3 weeks, I think its a mixture of laziness, alcohol and lack of real food. I've really lost any enthusiasm in the kitchen recently so today I pootled on down to tescos and bought a basket full of fruit and veg to try and make me feel and look better.
This always happens though, I look after my weight all Winter when it's a lot less important and then give up just before Summer. It's a very flawed system but I seem to have very little control over it. From here on in its all about abs and salad and taking the stairs.
I am determined never to be bigger than a size ten until I'm at least 70 years old. I was a cute size 6-8 when I arrived at uni... that is a very distant memory, the last time I confidently picked up a size 8 anywhere was back in the Winter.

Whine, whine, whine, shut-up Ayris, just stop eating so much bread and get off your arse.

P.s I love Owen, it's scary.

Jojo xx

This post was written listening to: Basement Jaxx