Friday 2 January 2015

This Year I Made Resolutions


After a month of feeling less than ecstatic about my life back in Wales, I have decided to try and lift myself from the sticky swamp of depression that often follows those who return home. As a result, this year I have made some entirely self-indulgent resolutions.

They are as follows:

1. To have more faith in myself, in every aspect of my life:

I often say that I am a writer, but don't really have the balls or the get-up-and-go to try and make something of it. I write this blog and I write my diary, but other than that, despite a real ambition to write a book, I just settle for where I am, too scared to fail.
I'm going to run further, eat better and push myself physically. There is nothing but laziness to blame for the fact that I do not look like a swimsuit model. I am not basically deformed, I am not physically disabled and I have access to various forms of exercise and good food. I'm fairly active and health conscious, but there is definitely space for improvement.

2. To better accept compliments:

I am often quite self deprecating in response to compliments. I'll often quip back to kind words with some insult to my appearance; if someone says I've got nice eyes, I'll often refer to how they are weak and that I already have wrinkles. If someone says I have nice legs, I'll mention how I haven't shaved them for a month
or how they are bandy, and that my feet are really weird (my feet actually are weird and I do think it adds something to conversations, so maybe I'll keep doing that one. See photo for a LOL).
I don't mean to do it but it's surely having some negative impact on my self-esteem. I should be letting the good vibes in, not batting them away. Someone has gone out of their way to be nice to me and, regardless of whether I agree or not, throwing it back in their face is a completely shitty thing to do.
Similarly, if someone says they like my song, or enjoyed my blog, I'm going to try and accept the compliment rather than picking holes in things. I often reply to these kind of compliments with: 'Oh, I was pretty flat and I can only play about six chords' or 'I find it hard to believe that anyone enjoys reading about me whinging'. The fact is that I put it out there, so I must have some level of satisfaction with what I'm doing. Therefore it's just annoying to shoot nice words down.

3. To learn to love myself again:

There was a time when I was really comfortable with myself, when I didn't have heaps of insecurities, when I could be stupid and weird and not worry what other people thought. There was a resounding, mental 'fuck you' to anyone who looked at me like I was a dickhead.

Dis bitch didn't give a shit
that she was dressed as
King Henry VII
When my last relationship ended, I realised that I had lost some of those  traits. I noticed I was less outgoing and although I was weird inside, I found it a little more intimidating to express it. It wasn't anyone's fault, I had just lost sight of myself. I used to be the first person to jump off a cliff into the sea with reckless abandon, but just a month ago it took me twenty minutes of encouraging to do just that. In that moment I realised I'd lost my gumption. I'd lost my fearlessness, something that I have always been so proud of. So I'm going to work on being a bad-ass again.
I'm going to allow myself treats. I very rarely buy clothes for myself and often feel like I'm living my life as though I'm camping, making do with the bare essentials. And although it's shallow and materialistic, I often wish I could dress nice and present myself in a way that makes me feel good about myself. So instead of telling myself that I don't need anything, this year I'll get myself a new top or a pair of heels once in a while. Because then I will own  a pair of heels.



This is a very self indulgent post, but I think the new year is a time when everyone thinks about themselves that little bit more. It's good to think about ourselves. To assess how we are and who we are. If we are happy or sad, good or bad, a doormat or a stone wall. And although there is no point in striving to the impossible perfection, it is good to keep trying to find a good balance.

This year, don't be a doormat, stand up for what you believe in, be pro-active and  love and respect yourself and those around you. Because if you just do those things, life will be a little nicer for everyone.

All for now, 
JoJo 
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