Friday 22 July 2011

I DON'T WANOOO...


...go to work! I just don't wanoo. why is it that work is the one thing you will dread and yet is the one thing that rewards you for your input?

Other things that I DON'T WANOO do are:

1) have periods, and why should I have to buy tampons? It's not some consumer materialistic indulgence. NHS I say.

2) Think about the complex world of boys. I wish they would just know when to go away and when to come back.

3)Pay off my overdraft, it's just a ridiculous thing to have to do, isn't it?

4) Clean the bath before I get in it. just no.

5) Offer to make everyone tea when I'm making one. Although I do like it when I am not the one by the kettle.

6) Pay for my van that insists on breaking every other week.

7)Think about dissertations. *runs away screaming*

8) Did I mention hideous soul-destroying FUCKING PERIODS?!

Today could be categorised as dull-average. I saw Biki and I bought a tee-shirt bra (Zzzz) and a black top for work (WHAT IS THE POINT?!I didn't start work to spend my wages on things for work)
I also ate a jacket spud (boring peoples food) and sent a letter to my Nannah and Grandad. Social butterfly eh?

Me and Biki are going to a Spiritualist fair tomorrow. Laugh all you want. I love that stuff. I hope someone tells me life will all make sense one day and that my bank will decide that, as I am such a loyal customer, they will write off my overdraft.

For now I am going to stomp around being irritable, irrational and whiny. Because I am allowed. Can you guess why? CAN YOU??

I DON'T BUGGERING WANOO GO TO WORK AND BE FRIENDLY TO ANYONE.

Jojo. (no kisses. HA)

Monday 18 July 2011

Trust, Suspicion and Strip-club finance.


I believe I may be both too trusting and too suspicious of people.

An ex once told me I found faults in everyone. I do, I think its human nature to have flaws, hell I know I do. But is it so bad to notice them in someone else?

Maybe I just play a little game in my head like Minesweeper. Trying to avoid the people who's flaws will blow up in my face and holding onto the safe ground of people who's flaws simply make them a little unreliable or give them bad taste in men.(most of my closest friends hold this flaw, why bother with some twat who treats you like shit on a regular basis or sleep with someone in the hope that it will mean they wont get bored of you?)

Trust is a tricky thing- until not so long ago I still held onto the belief that everyone has basic principles of wrong and right, and that they would stick by that. I would trust that a stranger would tell me if I dropped a tenner or if I had my jumper inside out.
Nuh-uh, not true.

I do still believe that a secret should be a secret and being a good person is a priority in most peoples lives. I don't think people will scam me, I don't think the tube is unsafe, I don't believe that I'll be raped and murdered on my way home from work. I just cant believe it.

If I start believing stuff like that I'll become a crazed paranoid maniac, flinching at a door closing or a noise in the house somewhere. And what sort of a life is that?

I don't know where this is going, I just know I feel a little off. Maybe its lack of sleep. Maybe it's a lack of money, maybe it a lack of physical contact. Maybe it's Pembrokeshire.

Pembrokeshire has a way of being both breathtakingly beautiful and being sneakily depressing. Pembrokeshire's little claws sneak under your skin without you even noticing. Then one day, although the beaches still make you feel like your whole body is drinking them eagerly, you sit in your bed at night and feel restless, like you're doing nothing everyday. Like your swimming against it's tide. Everyone here feels it, I believe. But not everyone acknowledges it.

It's a dull blanket of nothing that starts to hang over your head, and then its in your hair and then its inside your brain, it's sticky inky substance clinging to the inner workings of your core, masking itself as something else, tiredness maybe, or financial problems or lack of sex.

My vans in the garage, radiators blown again. I'm waiting with fake optimism for the quote to fix it. I had a dream it cost £6,000. I had a dream I worked in a strip club to pay it off.

I don't quite know what I'll do. I need the van to get to work but I need to work to pay my rent and start reducing my overdraft, paying for the van may do more damage to my financial situation than good.

I miss having someone to cuddle me. I miss being naked with someone.