Friday 30 March 2012

Life, Love and Loss


Loss

What is loss? " the state of being deprived or of being without something that one has had."

Today I lost someone. The first real loss of my adult life. The first loss I have understood. It leaves me confused. It leaves me hysterical. It leaves me calm. How can someone just go? Just leave. And never come back.

I think that's the worst bit. No warnings, no goodbyes.

How can someone who helped make you who you are for all those years just leave? How will I make him proud now? How will I show him what I can do?

When you lose a phone or a purse panic sets in. When I lost my Grandad I didn't feel panic. I felt emptiness. My brain was looking for an emotion. Trying to identify a way to understand but everyone had gone into hibernation in there.

And then sad came running out faster than I've ever known. Like a train.

Today is so sunny and lovely. It's not pathetic fallacy. But maybe it's whispering celebration. Maybe it's saying love or joy or gratitude.
I have all those things for Grandad.

I feel like today has shifted something. Reality has nestled it's way into my conciousness. This is reality. You can never trust in forever physically.

But if someone comes into your life and wraps you in love and kindness and pride. Unconditional. Then you've won. You've had a taste of the most beautiful thing in life.

It is all very dramatic here. But it feels that way. This microcosm I call my life has changed. The structure is a beam short. And it's irreplaceable.

But this house is still strong. The extra weight, the shadows add pressure, but it can still hold itself this way. Just as long as all the other beams hold together tightly.

Today I have a broken heart. I don't think it will heal as easily as it has before. This heartbreak will stay. But it serves as a reminder of a life I was privileged enough to be a part of.

Rest easy Grandad. you will be missed. You leave here a family in mourning and in pride.
The memories we made will forever leave me happy, grateful and bursting with love. Bursting with love.

That's all for now.

Jojo xxxxx

Thursday 15 March 2012

Why Do You Always Want More?


Why do some people want stuff, Just STUFF? Like clothes and shoes and rings and bags?
Does it really make anyone happy for a long period of time?

Sure I bought some vans last week and I love them, when they arrived I was excited and happy. But I find with shopping that feeling doesn't last. It's so easy to get sucked into it all. It's so easy to want more. More of these things that have sell by dates. Things that you'll get bored of.

It's like we've become so addicted to getting presents and gestures and money so we start doing it for ourselves.
But how have we earned this 'treat' and, more to the point, why do we need it?

Clothes aren't going to change you as a person. They aren't going to make you any nicer, or prettier or more intelligent. They will only help construct an image. An image that's been sold to you. An image that a group of people in an office somewhere have cleverly created. Then it's marketed to make you feel like you NEED those cherry coloured jeans or that backless dress that, lets be honest, you'll be bored of after you've worn a handful of times.

And we are so fucking stupid because it doesn't MEAN anything. It only helps create obstacles socially. It only ostracises people. And it's we that are to blame. It's YOU that made you not good enough for that guy. YOU helped create these rules of style and beauty and image.

Well what does it mean when you get some guy over someone else in a club. It doesn't mean you are any better, it doesn't make them any worse. It just makes you part of it all. It makes someone else out of reach to you.

When you lie down naked on a bed with someone it's all gone. You are a blank canvas and no amount of layers of make-up or freshly bought attire can hide you any more. You have to face up to who you are eventually and I want to be proud of that.

I buy clothes sometimes. I like to look nice when I go out. But I definitely don't think I have the addiction that so many people I know have. And addiction seems like a crazy-strong word to use but that's what I think it is.

It happens more in cities I think. Where shops are everywhere and the high street becomes a catwalk. Where people check each other out and eye-fuck on escalators.

I don't want to live like that. And yeah, that probably means someone else will get that guy in the club but I'd rather earn attraction because of who I am and not what I've created.

I get that some people are passionate about fashion. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It's when it becomes about proving yourself through your outfit that it gets a bit dodgy.

You are enough for anyone in the whole world. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find someone who loves you. But they are going to fall in love with YOU and not what you're wearing.

Wow. Monster rant.

That's all for now.

Jojo xxx