Sunday 21 March 2010

Summer's coming!

I Cannot believe how fast this uni year has gone. It's absolutely unreal that I will no longer be living in these shitty digs in a month or so.
I'll be sad to say goodbye though.

The sun is starting to peek through the clouds these days which is such a lovely feeling. Things are looking up and I can start looking at my flipflops again.
This summer will be a strange one. A lot has changed since this time last year. I'm single, I've lived away from home and I have a sense of belonging neither at home nor here quite yet. I'm in transition.
Friendships at home have in some instances dissintergrated completely and in others grown stronger, proving to be loyal.

When I go home for easter I think I'll find it especially wierd because one of me best friends has gone travelling and she was my solid at home. I'll probably still walk her dog, Milly, where we used to- across Tenby south beach, the sea fighting with the tide for territory.

There will be a lot of revision going on after my first failiure in a law exam and a lot of chilling out with the crew- drinkng beer and catching up on lives we forgot about. We normally have nice easters where I live, there's often a week or so of warm weather, ruined only by the cold wind.

Jane will have her annual garden party and we'll eat barbeque food and listen to chillout. It's times like that I really appreciate my home town.
A hangover cure at home is a walk on the beach laughing histerically at the previous nights happenings and being completely incapable to do anything but squint at the sunlight.

I've had a resolution, to care more, to care more about my uni work and care more about how I see myself. To stop feeling like I dont fit and just relax. To get amongst it, to breath in the atmosphere and mood of every single day.

I think too much sometimes. I was in town with a flatmate the other day and he mentioned that I think a lot about everything. And he's right, I over think, I get so lost in details and moments and actions that I can never just let life drift around me. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to wake up and regret how much I missed that I absorb everything and try and consume it.

That particular flatmate has just got that texture about him that makes you feel relaxed and makes you know that it's all genuine, it's straight up and there's nothing to hide. A secrets a secret, a truths a truth, a joke is a joke. A quality I wish I saw in more people. He's a friend I realy value even thought we aren't super close.

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm ready to start getting things done, to make headway, to try in assignments, to feel reward and not just relief when I hand in work. To feel I'm making the most of what I've been so blessed to have.

Me and my Dad are nearly friends aswell. We've had an extremely rocky relationship since I was about ten and things have progressivley worsened, through bitterness and my incompetence to forgive and forget.
I remember a time when he came to pick me up on a Tuesday-his day, and lying straight up saying I had work to do. I never clocked the sadness on his face that day until last week, when I woke in a sweat.
Having been rejected by your own flesh and blood, your little girl. To see so much hate in a 13 year old me. And to have to say "okay, I'll see you soon" and walk away, get into your van and leave, knowing that what you did can never be truly fixed. To know you aren't wanted is hideous.

Although what he did was wrong, I still can't help but regret that moment sincerely.

But things are getting better, the awkwardness of pretending everything is okay is slipping away each time I see him. The truth isn't so hard to show and my outspoken behaviour around him isn't so shocking anymore. I think he's starting to see my character and how I function now. How I think and act. what I find funny, what I like to do and see. It's something that should have been achieved a long time ago, but I don't know a family that isn't dysfunctional.

I'm happy with who I am, I know that I'm honest and kind. I know I don't hold back but I never try to offend. I'm out of the shadows and adjusting to the light.

JoJo xx

Saturday 6 March 2010

Alllll byyyy myselllllfffff ( a la Bridget Jones)

Feeling a bit on my todd as of late. I'm not talking serious stuff, just a cuddle wouldn't go a miss every now and again.

I'm always a bit weird about talking about this kind of stuff but had a chat with an intoxcated flatmate last night and managed to get it all out.

I'm bored of being single, I'm not very good at it and I am not cool. I can't swish past guys making them drop their drinks just to stare after me.
I can't be normal when talking to a vaguely attractive guy, I normally end up revealing my entirely bizarre self before I have a chance to show them I'm actually just a little eccentric.

The girls and I went out for food last night and I felt a little airy, like I wasn't really enjoying what should have been a lovely night.

I came home feeling pissed off, and craving what I needed least, ice cream and chick flicks.

Today I woke up feeling all feministic and positive, I went to the gym and worked so hard I was sick in the toilets and felt faint all the way home, swaying and not being able to concentrate on anything.
But I felt so good for having got out a bit of pent up frustration .

I had a very out of character and extremely intoxicated fumble with a coursemate recently which, to be honest made me feel a bit sick the next day. Not in a 'eww he's disgusting' way, more of a 'that's not me, why did I do it?' kinda way.
A bit disturbingly I think it's something to do with human contact. With having skin on skin.
But it was wierd, especially as I can remember only snapshots of the evening, with leaving the flat being my first blank.

I miss lying in bed with nothing on, next to someone and just feeling content. I miss having a face that makes me smile that isn't one of my beautiful friends. I miss snuggling on the sofa with a film knowing full well I wont watch more than the opening credits.
I miss regular sex, a lot. I have an annoyingly high sex drive for someone who just isn't into one night stands.
I've even tried avoiding aphodisiac foods. It's that bad.

But it isn't just sex I miss, it's more another branch off my social web, a boy branch, a strong branch that isn't intergrated into the rest of my already fairly disfunctional life.
I want someone to see me at my best and think its brilliant, and to see me at my worst but not really mind. A lot to ask I know.

But I know it's possible. I have, believe it or not, been adored before now.

That's all I can bring myself to divulge today. Back to Blink 182 and my overactive mind.

JoJo x