Something has gone wrong somewhere here. Somewhere along the line men and women started to lie to each other. Now, I don't know why this happened, I don't know what silly sod thought it was a good idea and I can't attempt to imagine how much confusion it has caused over the years.
In my short life so far, it has made things far more complicated than necessary. Here I shall investigate.
WHY LIE?
The answer to this question depends on what sort of lie your telling. For example, if you're pal has just had a truly hideous hair cut, you might want to make her feel better, considering it's too late to do anything about it.
This is a pity-lie or a compliment-lie. In very few circumstances is this type of lie acceptable. You may be making her happy in the short term but in reality, she's going to know if it's a shit barnet. Also she will think you are stylistically-confused and will never trust your opinion again.
DRUNK LIES
I lie when I'm drunk, I think a lot of people do this partly because they feel their lives aren't interesting enough already. Telling someone you own your own business/you're a model/you're a professional skateboarder is not okay. It will always leave you in sticky situations. For example, when it transpires they know your house mate.
THE OUTCOME
Lying is hard because if you get found out you look so twattish it really is not worth it. Maybe you'll have less 'stories' for I 'have never' but at least you wont have to keep a note of all the lies you tell and try to remember the elaborate details of each anecdote.
WHO LIES?
Everyone. whether it's excuses, white lies, drunk lies or just trying-to-make-yourself-look-cool-lies. We all do it. All I'm saying is we should try and control the extent and quantity of them.So what you're late. What if you just bloody forgot? What if you slept through your alarm? SO BLOODY WHAT? You are only human.
LIES YOU ARE TOLD
Friends lie when they say you don't have bad points.
Parents lie when they say they will not Facebook stalk you.
Boys lie when they say they wont judge you if you fuck on the first date.
Girls lie when they say they don't like attention.
I lied when I said I liked last years Christmas present from my Nanny. (herb themed notebook? where do you even buy this stuff?!)
AND
You lied when you said it wasn't you passing wind in class (sometimes you just can't hold it in)
Anyway, what I'm getting at is everyone does it but why do we lie about some stuff that is just better off said truthfully?
WHEN THE TRUTH SHOULD COME OUT
1) "It's not you its me" -No it is not. It is you, because I don't fancy you any more, how can it be me? How can I make me not find you attractive any more? I can't, it's you. It's just harsh to confuse someone like this. Give them closure, spare them your pity and just tell them why. There's someone else, shit happens. They'll get over it.
2) "I'm not drunk"- You are, you have been drinking and now you are acting weirdly, you are drunk.
3) "I'm always here for you"- this is a really common lie. Yes, you can offer support to a friend whenever you are free, but sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you are in meetings or at work, or you just ignore the call.
4) "I'm never drinking again" - BULL SHIT
5) "I would never lie to you!" - You just did.
I could go on but it's really tedious.
I don't get it when fat people lie about how much they eat. You cannot be that big if you're only eating salad.
Oh, and lies don't have to be in the form of words. Oh no, having a chocolate stash under your bed and only eating leaves in public is lying.
It's pathetic. Everyone likes chocolate. Pretending to your house mates that you didn't eat 5 Mars bars alone in the dark haven of your room last night doesn't mean it actually didn't happen. If you want to be thin just stop fucking eating so much shit and go to the gym. SIMPLES.
That's all for now
Jojo xxx
P.S when someone says you look tired/poorly they just mean you look shit. You look like an uglier version of yourself. You are not attractive today.
