Thursday 24 May 2012

The End of an Era


So that's it. The class of 2012 are finished.Three years of quite literally, blood, sweat and tears. I know it's been hard; I've cried more over my degree than I have over all the boys that have ever broken my heart, but I'm still sad to see the back of it.
I've met some of my best friends here, my BEST. And now we have to scatter off into the distance. It feels like we are all parts a patchwork quilt, each of us helping to build this dysfunctional safety blanket. But now the quilt is being ripped apart to all sections of the country, of the world.
I know some of us will stay in touch but it's just heartbreaking. My friends are my family here. They understand who I've become, whereas friends at home have missed that bit of me. I still love my home pals; Biki, Bex, Jammy- they aren't loved any less, it's just they've been more involved in a different part of my becoming.

And Bournemouth. Ugly, grey, dusty Bournemouth - the place I've dashed so many times for being too commercial, or too chavy or too English, will always have a part of me. Because it's where I've grown. It's where I've decided what I really stand for, the kind of person I want to be.

I'm sat in my little room in our crumbly house. It smells like tomatoes today (the smell of whatever's been eaten that day graces my room as it's attached to the kitchen) but it just feels like part of me. All my books and photographs and doodles are decorating this once empty box. It's lovely. I'm calm here. I don't know if I'm ready to be calm at home. Have I wished this year away because I've been so busy trying to get away from some things to realise why I'd want to stay here for others?

And what comes next for me? I haven't applied for journo jobs because I want to save next year for travelling in 2014 and don't want commit to anything. But I want to write. I wouldn't over-share every inch of my being on here if I didn't feel the compulsion to write. I like the way the words roll out of my head and into my hands on the keyboard.It's like therapy. I like the way some words rhyme. I like alliteration. I like that I can express myself. I love how some words, when they are truly felt, can make people cry, make them laugh, and sometimes even change their path.


Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with some pals, amongst them my bestie, Esme. She is the most amazing lady. She is kind and funny and she understands. I just know she's got my back. I know she'll also put me in my place if she thinks I need it. We've had a good three years together, I reckon. I can't imagine what my life would have been without her. I've never felt so certain that a friend will be there to hold my children and I know she'll understand that.


The last few weeks I've been getting this feeling in my gut, like I'm about to do the loop on a rollercoaster. At first I thought it was fear- nerves for my dissertation hand in. Then I thought it was relief. Now I think it's change. My life is going to change a lot very soon. I'm going back home, I'm leaving my independence here. I'm moving away from my friends.  I feel like I'm moving back in time. I'm scared all things will be the same and I'll drop down to somewhere I don't want to be. I'm scared I'll feel lost in the familiar. I'm scared I'll forget to carry on being the driven, strong minded woman I've become and go back to being 18 year old me- unsure of myself and of my future. But then I don't suppose there's an awful lot I can do about that.

That's all for now, Jojo xxx