Monday 15 June 2015

Soul Seers



Some people just penetrate your sense of self immediately. They see, not through you, but deep into you and they leave a little mark, that will always be there, even if they are not.

These people don't come around so often, in my experience. They are few and far between, like a good looking guy who isn't a dickhead. You instantly feel they are a part of you, like they have put a little bit of your puzzle together just by coming into your world. They see through all the pretences and pleasantries, they push past all the defences and the armour, pulling it away like ivy covering a treasure chest. They don't ask permission, no polite request to come in, they are just there - whoosh- all up close and personal.

It's confronting and comforting at the same time. They pull out all your faults and insecurities like a toddler delving in a play-box. But they also pull out your good points, your kindness, your skills, your achievements, they show you your beauty and your strength.

I have a friend like this, her name is Bridget. I hardly know her, in relative terms, we aren't particularly similar, and we also live on opposite sides of the world. She has brought light into the dark for me in some very seemingly-hopeless times. She is my something special. And I recently got to spend 12 days with her in Italy.(What an amazing time we live in, to be able to do that; to be able to travel and see things that a few generations ago might have seemed so out of reach.  Remember to be grateful for that when the world seems like a sack of shit.)

Being with her for that time, day-in, day-out was like having a live-in therapist, but without feeling like the man in the game 'Operation', without feeling like a wet flannel, spreading it's dampness around causing a weird smell for everyone.

It's more this sense of my mind settling, the static becoming a clear picture again, my thoughts linking together in a logical manner rather than acting like drunk moles wiggling around erratically, bumping into each other without so much as an apology.

How is it that someone can see you clearer than yourself? Is there some other-worldly connection? Are they just weird little soul-seeing aliens, sent to earth to unnerve us? Whatever they are, we need them. We need them to show us that these defences and coping mechanisms we've been working on all this time, sometimes subconsciously, aren't doing us any favours. We need them to not only point out how emotionally unstable/unavailable/inept  we are, but that we can fix it.

Bridget has this way of shattering my defences and, whilst I'm falling to my knees, telling me that I'm strong enough to get through it, telling me I'm smart and beautiful and kind and kind of kick-ass too. That I'm stronger than my weaknesses, that I'm taller than my shortfalls.

She acknowledges the torment, the heartache, the  hurt and rejection - sometimes that's what you need the most - for someone to acknowledge what you've withstood. Because you start to question yourself, you persuade yourself that you're weak, that you're no worse off than a toddler with a stubbed toe.

For someone to say 'I have seen your pain, I watched you picking up the shards of yourself from the dusty ground, slicing your hands with every piece you tried to put back together. I have seen what someone else did to you and I am here to tell you that you are strong, that your exhaustion is not a sign of weakness' is such a powerful thing.

You never know how to thank these people aptly. You are forever indebted to them, to their love and support. You thank them and thank them and thank them until they tell you to shut up. You piss them off with your thanking, but you don't know how else to show them what they have meant to you. To your whole self.

So this is my way of extending that thanks a little further. Bridget, you are a mad genius, you are a beautiful mermaid, you are a mysterious creature, you are my angel. I can never repay you for the strength you have lent me. I'm not sure I would have made it out without your love.

All for now,
JoJo
xxx