Friday 21 May 2010

Beach, Boobs & Burnt. (amongst other ramblings)

Today was the most beautiful day in Bournemouth. Some coursemates and I headed down to the beach and spent the day playing volley ball, going in the sea and sunbathing.

I did, of course, lose track of the time. And I did, of course forget sun lotion, AND I did OF COURSE burn like an absolute bitch. Seriously, I don't normally really burn but HOLY SHIT I am so red. I honestly thought we were there for like 3 hours...it was more like 7.

I look absolutely ridiculous naked. Like beyond Brits Abroad ridiculous. My boobs look anaemic compared to my severely burnt and recently flabby stomach (revision food). My legs are red, so so red, I should use a more theasaurus deserving word but RED is all that I can muster. Where my shorts were there is yet more polar bear type pigments. I am seriously worried about keeping my boyfriend over the next few days.

Oh! and my face...I don't really know how this has happened but I seem to have a moustache shaped burn. It's really very unfortunate. I look like I have purposely tried to burn in particular places to immitate Hitler. I'm not really happy that he gets a capital letter. It's like 'God'. It unnerves me a little.

So I look like I've done one of the following:

1) Held my breath for longer than Radiohead in 'No Surprises'

2) Leant over that stupid volcano at the unlucky moment it erupted.

3) Just been caught masterbating to HelloGoodbye. (that was like, one time)

4) Realised that wasn't a fart

From the above you can probably put together an image of how awful I look right now.

However, pre sunburn I had the most lovely day. It was pretty weird too. Me and Suze got approached by some man from Zoo magazine wanting to take pictures of us on the beach in bikinis. Blank denial from me, a more understandable yes from Suze (She has legs up to my tonsils and abs to make Miss Anniston jealous).

Later, a BBC news crew come along and ask if they can film us playing volley ball on the beach, we oblige, I get hit in the face, with a ball, on camera. Standard.

I am currently slathered in aloe vera, Vinegar (a Californian secret to minimising the appearance of sunburn, Cheers Suze!), and moisturiser. Fingers crossed I look less like a kebab tomorrow.

In other news I've been thinking about relationships, in particular girls. No, not like that. I mean girls in relationships. I've been subconciously observing people. Girls don't commit anymore, girls dont say I love you anymore, girls don't let feelings get in the way of a relationship.

A friend of mine has been in a relationship since near the beginning of Uni and after talking to her I've realised she epitimises what I've been trying to put my finger on.
She says her boyfriend is mad at her because she wont tell him she loves him back. I asked her if she loved him and she said no. I asked her if she will and she said no. So why is she with him then?
Because she likes him, she really, really likes him, she doesn't want to lose him but she just isn't doing 'love' right now. It's not something she's ready for again. And here's that old cliche. She's been hurt before, like most of us, nothing extraordinary. So she's not putting herself back there again. It takes too much out of you. It sucks out too much faith, too much trust.

But breaking someone else's heart is just as messy, just as painful and just as unforgiving. It's so, so, so hard, to look in the eye, someone you care about and have basically watched fall in love with you and tell them it's all over.
Especially when they're a friend aswell. It takes having your heart broken to know how much it is to break someone elses.


JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to: The Bronze Medal ( www.myspace.com/thebronzemedalmusic )

Saturday 1 May 2010

relationships, fear and stability.


I recently took that extremely scary jump into a relationship. This is a big deal for me. I never like guys enough to commit to them. I never feel like I can give enough to maintain that kind of relationship and I never let myself trust someone enough to feel stable (due to cliche past relationship).
I don't really know what it is about this one that makes it so different, but it is. I'm still terrified it's all going to go horribly wrong and I dont really know how I see it all panning out but for some reason I've done it anyway.

I always say I'm not scared of anything, but I'll let you into a little secret, I am. I'm scared of investing feelings in people - you know sooner or later you're going to get hurt. Not just a little bit scared either. I think the correct term would be shit scared. Pooing-myself-scared.

People always leave eventually, no one can ever promise you they aren't going to hurt you, and you can't ever promise them that back. You never know what might happen tomorrow. I'm so happy today but tomorrow something could happen to completely reverse that. I think people who get married are ignorant and naiive. I think to imagine that putting a ring on your finger is going to guarantee you security is ridiculous.
Marriage doesn't mean anything anymore, we no longer live in a time where people work through things, I am undeniably living proof of that.

I've never argued with a boyfriend before but I think if it came to it, I'd cut my losses and walk away before it got messy. It's not a good trait but I'm not about to put myself through weeks of mental torture trying to fix something I have no control over, only to end up deflated and disappointed.

This makes me sounds like I'm not happy, I am. I've met someone that gives me everything I need. Someone on completely the same level as me. He's got backbone, that's what I like about him. He's not going to agree with everything I say just to please me and he's passionate about things. And we laugh, a lot.

But I am feeling a little lost. I kind of feel like I'm faking something. Like what he thinks I am isn't actually me. I don't know where I've got this idea from but it's really niggling at me. I feel inadequate. In the least self pitying way possible. What if one day I wake up and I don't want to be here?

I'm so unsettled, all the time. I'm so unsure, so nervoues, so restless. I can't stay still both literally and metaphorically. I'm never happy and grounded where I am, I always want to be moving around, moving house, moving places.
But that is a completely mirrored image of my past. We never stayed anywhere for long, Dad was always coming and going, even when my parents were together, he would be gone for months at a time, wandering in and out of my life like an uncle or a family friend. He was never solid. He never offered support. I remember crying into my mother arms hundreds of times and I can't once remember doing the same with my Dad. Christ, I even remember crying into my brothers arms, when he must have only been ten himself. He was so good to me when we were younger.
I think my father is to blame too for my lack of confidence in myself. He's always demanded more than I could posisbly achieve. I could never be strong enough, clever enough, thin enough. I was always so honest with him and he was always so fickle to me.
I HATE that yet another post has become about my dad. I hate that I can't get over it and just be proud of what I've worked so hard for. I hate that I base every male in my life on his actions.

I'm so fucking angry at how I've turned out. I feel so jagged. I feel that one day I'm just going to snap and I'm going to end up doing something so ridiculously stupid and I wont be able to fix it.

But for now I'm just going to push all that to the back of my head and enjoy being the happiest I've been for such a long time.

JoJo xxx

I wrote this post listening to: Snow Patrol.