Monday 18 October 2010

Time to grow up Jojo




Argh, I've been faffing about with bills and bank statements for well over an hour now. The reason being that two months into our tenancy at our house and we still havent signed up for bills or made direct debits.

Finance is really not my area but everyone else seems infinately busy and have somehow come to the decision that it is my task to complete. So, I have.

I was completely unaware that we even had two water bills. when one came in a t £3.36 I was unbelievably happy and proud of our efficiency...two days later a second bill for £22. 65 came in.

Sewrage.
SEWRAGE?!
If I'm getting charged to wipe my arse I'd rather we all shat in the garden to be frank.

Anyway, I have finally completed the mammouth task of sorting it all and have succesfully forged three signatures on behalf of my housemates.

But I only have teeny envelopes
Like super teeny. The size of my palm teeny. Whoever said you can't fold a piece of paper more than 7 times is a loser. Totally do-able.

Well, maybe six.

Anyway, year 2 of uni is going not so well. I dont think im on the right course even. I don't want to do news. I want to do cool arty projects and be on the radio.

I'm scared that this revelation will change my life if I think about it too much. But its time to get serious about my life in general isnt it? Should I really waste another year doing something I don't neccesarily need in order to achieve my dreams and aspirations?

It's a tricky one. I'm feeling so unsettledd in myself at the moment and can't quite work out why. It's like theres someone inside my brains stirring everything up until all my feelings and thoughts become a brown mulch.

I wish I could organise it all into little folders with labels on, all packed away neatly, ready for when I need each department.

All I can really say at the moment is that I have a really amazing group of friends. They are unbelieveably patient with my slightly unsettled mental state and they are always ready to listen and offer their honest advice and perspective.
I really couldn't ask for more. They know when to tell me I'm being paranoid, or insecure or out of order, and although sometimes that is hard to take it's exactly what I need.

I like that we can go out as ladies in out heels and our dresses but we can also go out in jeans, tee shirts and flats, making dicks out of ourselves all night and not care what anyone thinks.
Sometimes you just need to know that your friends are on the same page as you when everyone else seems to be reading a different book.

I'm glad to be back blogging again after a rather flattering and inspirational e-mail from a certain Miss Malone. Thank you so much for making me realise that my blog is my therapy, and that people actually read it and have an interest.

It's weird who can make you feel invinsible. Often people who may only observe or dip into your life can truly make you see sense.

Mum is in Barcelona at the moment and I am so jealous and proud of her, but I can't quite muffle that tiny selfish part of me who feels left behind.
I am well and truly independant these days, I can't ring my mum anymore for help with banking and I can't ask her to tell me what to do with my problems.

I have to make decisions on my own and trust my own judgement. If I'm not happy then only I can fix that. If I need to make an active change, that is on my head. Of course I need support off my pals, just like everyone else, but there's no one to cuddle in to who makes me feel like all my worries will come good just because I'm wrapped in their embrace. There's no one who can tell me that I am who I am and that I can be that strong girl who gets back up when she gets knocked down. That now has to come from within.

I think I've gotten quite sensitive since my mum left, and it's made everything seem so huge and scary.

Why can't I just shake the insecurities right out of me, sit on the bed and shake my legs until every little thing that has ever made me feel shit falls out the end of my toes and floats away?
I know then I would be so much happier, so much safer and so much more fun to be around.

Again, I've managed to write a blog that was not intended to become such an emotional rollercoaster, but infact ended up just that.

But like I said, this is my therapy.

That's all for now,

Jojo xxx

I wrote this post listening to : The Script.

Saturday 2 October 2010

Secrety Secret blog.





I haven't promoted this post because I just wanted to write some stuff and it not be forced or thought through properly.

I've got a cold. A big fat snotty gross cold.
I feel like a loser sometimes.
I miss my pal Biki and my pal Alien.

I want to be fresh and not ill and I want to be surfing and skating again.
I want to act like a lady but it makes life so boring.
I can't be bothered to be all fakely happy when I feel like poo sometimes.
I don't like it when people are rude and two faced and calculating.
I wish I hadn't chosen my housemates so early on in the year.
I wish I wouldnt keep forgetting my classes at the gym and missing them.

I've truly outdone myself at being a bad drunk so far this year.

Sometimes I wish I'd met Owen in different circumstances and with us both having different romantic historys.
But that is not how life rolls. And the point of loving someone is that some of the shit stuff becomes irrelevant because nothing that they've done in the past can change how much you love them, they still make you feel like your about to explode out of your skin when you see them

I've come out the other side of an argument with my boyfriend and not wanted to just run away, because it's meant too much for me to lose. That is something I could never, ever have predicted.

I'm so much more insecure than I thought I would ever be. I think that's because putting your heart in someone else's hands make you aware of not only the good things in yourself -that the other person loves- but the bad things that may make them like you less.
And I think in time that insecurity will fade and transform through a smokecloud into security.

I also feel uninterested in following people around like I have a dictator. I have always been a strong willed person and I cannot stand the fact that some people will trapse around after others feeling they are less important.

fuck that shit.

My mums moved to spain. I'm proud of her.

My dad's making lots of effort, it makes me feel bad for everything I've ever written about him on here.

Im so happy that I have found all my friends here and that I have such a wonderfully happy life. I'm glad that I know I'm a good person and that I can go to sleep every night with a clear conscience.

I feel very sorry for people who have somehow decided that being snidey and malicious will serve them well. Because it doesn't, it wont, and too many people can see through it for them to ever benefit from it.

The biggest things in my life right now are:

Owen
Degree
Pals

And they are all awesome. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. And I wont take it for granted.

xxxx