Wednesday 29 December 2010

Now Now Baby it's Just Textbook Stuff...


Ah, Christmas time!

A break from all the stress of University...wrong. Exam in January.

A chance to indulge in all the snazzy food you can't justify buying yourself...wrong. Vomitting bug.

Christmas money and lovely clothes? nuhuh... on that scary part of the overdraft.
The part when if you buy and Galaxy and a Glamour magazine you'll be charged £40 a day for exceeding your overdraft limit.

But it's not all bad.

We had a white Christmas! And no-one seemed that excited about it.
Everyone seemed to just whine and groan and worry about when their food would run out.
I for one have been waiting for a white Christmas since the first time I heard that song. It was beautiful.
So shhhh...

Although, to be fair, I have had an undenyable period of whining and crying and moaning about my life.

I do wonder if I'll actually finish this degree with a mark worth talking about or if I'll struggle more next term than I did the last.
The stress is unbearable. It never stops. I joined the womens rugby club and then swiftly quit. Not because I didn't enjoy it. I really did.
But because of the sheer amount of work I had to do. And I wanted to be able to see my pals at least once a fortnight out of uni time.

I hate how many sacrafices people on BAMMJ have to make in order to do averagely. To be fair some people work so, so, so hard and really are perfectionists and they do really well. I am not graced with such a trait.

Once I start crying over something I think fuck it it's time to just stop looking at it and submit it as it is. Cue more tears on receipt of grade.

It's been pretty cool to come home and see the beautiful coast that I miss so much. I have missed my friends so much. So, so much. They are crazy and weird and almost entirely underrated.

Example: On Friday night Alys and Lucie polished off a bottle of tequila in shots in about an hour at predrinks.
The results were as follows: Lucie: sleepasaurus. Alys: 6 year old on midget gems.

Anyway from what I have gathered Alys went on to drink Vodka in the pub...Alys isn't so wicked on vodka. She gets quite...aggitated, shall we say.

So a few drinks later and Alys decides to punch a few pint glasses repeatedly resulting in plenty of blood and goes on to piss in the corner of the beer garden. Lucie is by now home. sleeping.

Alys then goes on to kick a local in the shin.


But I must defend Alys here as she is, in fact, just another victim of that Pembrokeshire virus. The one that means at least one of every party must get paraletic and do something to entertain the rest of the group everytime you go out.

It was just her turn. It hasn't been my turn for a while. This worries me. This worries me a lot as anyone who knows me will understand...

We are dressing up as animals for new years eve and I have decided to go as a bird. I have aruond 2648 feathers so wish me luck.

I hope you all have a fab new years eve whether it be chilling inside with a cup of tea and some snacks or dancing the night away out and about.

Thanks for reading

That's all for now
Jojo xxx

This post was written listening to: Imogen Heap.

Tuesday 7 December 2010

Celebrations for 1000 hits!


Wowza. Jee Whizz, DAYUM. 1,000 hits!


I'm so happy. Today I reached one thousand hits on this blog and I am so chuffed :)


It seems so strange looking back on my first blogs, embarassingly all I wrote about was getting laid and my hair colour and how much I wanted to be successful...actually... put it like that and nothings changed.


Ah well, who doesn't want to get laid and who doesn't take a personal interest in their hair? It's basic human self obsession. And don't deny it. You think not everyone spends several minutes at a time inspecting themselves in the mirror? even the least vain of all your friends will have their moments.


I think that's wicked. Self exploration. That sounds explicit...well yeh I guess it appplies to that too.


It's all self indulgence and it's times like this that I'm really proud of me and who I am. I get that 1000 hits to many people is really, really miniscule. But for me that's awesome! What's the most awesome...est thing is that I've had praise for just writing the shit that falls out my brain and into my fingers tap tapping away on the old laptop.


So yes in the least condescending self righteous way possible, thanks!


Righty onto the less cringe-worthy stuff.

I've been at work experience for nearly 2 weeks now at Radio Cardiff. It's quite strange actually as it reunited me with a very old friend. Luc Wise this is an official shout out on a blog you don't know exists.


I've had a really cool, hands on time here at the station. Radio Cardiff is a mainly black music influenced station. It's genres include a lot of reggae, soul, R&B and hip hop, amongst others.


Everyone here has been so cool and chilled and helpful but at the same time honest and demanding and enthusiastic. Day one I produced three shows on my todd, broadcasting to 23,000 listeners and from there its just blossomed. I've been on shows, interviewed DJ's made ads and news and interviewed Evel Knievels son.


Being at Radio Cardiff has really enthused me to work hard and strive to be the best I can be and to really make myself a future in the industry.

Being surrounded by music and laughter and excitement makes my day so much more interesting and intense . I cannot express how much happier it makes me feel getting up at 5 am to do the breakfast show, knowing the second I open the studio door I'll meet some reggae to really ease me into the day.


In other news:


I'm so excited to see my Mummy! She's been off jetsetting since the start of September and I am so ready for a cuddle and a bottle of wine. She's such a winner, my mum. She's clever, kind, generous and beautiful inside and out. I'm so proud of all that she has achieved and am so delighted that she has found her deserved happiness.


Christmas is fast approaching and I have 12 pounds to my name...after consideration re:Chrsitmas presents I decided to do the obvious thing and whore myself out to the public of Cardiff. Strangely as a 5 foot 2, spotty, pale, thin haired, weasel featured female I did not receive much business. However on walking through the city centre on Thursday night a homeless man told me I had a strange face. So that is a plus...?


Anyway this is long and Russel told me my last blog was too long so I'm sorry Russel and I'm sorry the last blog also 'Sounded like a scrubs voiceover' but its just the way the biscuit dissintergrates!


Lotsa love Ya'll... (getting so wigger-ish at this station)


That's all for now,

Jojo xxx


I wrote this post listening to: Corrine Bailey Rae


Saturday 27 November 2010

Miniture Me.


Wow, sometimes the world seems so enormous doesn't it?


I sit here in my room and send messages to some of my best friends all over the world. The distance between us is sometimes unbearable.

I think it would be nice for one day, or maybe two, to grab the world and push it and squish it until I could open my door and be within walking distance to all those people who make MY world turn.


I'd collect Biki from Australia, along with Lu

Barbie from London.

Steve from wherever he is now. Blackpool?

My muma from Barcelona

Tess from Brighton

And all my friends from Wales.


It worries me how scattered we've become and how, despite our best intentions we aren't staying in touch every week. And we aren't visiting every month. And we don't know everything about each other anymore.


Sometimes we forget about the whole world and just get caught up in out own weeny bubble. We get caught up in work and love and jealousy and self image. We forget about the other 6Billion and wonder why our own lives are just so damn complicated.


And ya know what. That's okay, I'm more than guilty of that. Just today I sat in the Bath and listened to the world, my world around me. It was silent. All I could hear was the water reverberating around me and my housemate in her room watching a film and giggling, no doubt happily snuggled up to her boyfriend.


And I thought, 'you know what. On the whole my world is pretty alright at the moment, no need to worry' .


I started thinking about the other world. The big one. And I wondered how my life would be if I was someone else, somewhere else. And I just felt so tiny. So teeny tiny, infact, all I thought would come out of my mouth when I tried to talk would be a squeak. Like a little mouse or a bug roaming around in its own little minutae.


So this year I've pleadged £120 to Amnesty International. a human rights charity dedicated to trying to sort out the big world and all the little worlds within it that aren't so good.


I don't know if I did it through some sort of western guilt but it felt good. I felt better knowing that although next time I went shopping I couldnt buy that beautiful vintage dress, someone somewhere might be having a good day because of me and all the other people who support charities like Amnesty International.


And then that dress, beautiful as it is, just becomes a wash rag. Because it just doesn't compare anymore.


I've always been a sucker for charities and tramps and people who need help.


I remember in year 2 a baby bird fell out of its nest and onto the school field and it was so young. so-so tiny it didnt even look properly formed. It had no feathers. And although the teachers told me to leave it alone I had to go and look at it. I mashed up some worms with a twig and tried to feed it back to health.


I couldn't, I wasn't it's mummy. And I was so sad when the lunch bell went, knowing that it would die out there on it's own.

Me and my friend Meg held it a funeral beneath the huge oak tree. It sounds so ridiculous now but we were both so devastated. I think it was the first time we got a look in on how life rolls, and it was scary.


I don't know where this is going. I just think we need to take the time out of our own little worlds sometimes - to get a better perspective on the big one.

Because that big world connects all the little worlds together and all those little worlds can smush up worms and nurse each other back to health.


Enough for now.


Jojo

xxx


I wrote this blog listening to: Regina Spektor



Tuesday 9 November 2010

Pussy Patrol turned killing spree.


Oh dear. Today something truly, truly terrible happened. It pains me to recall the events. But I will.

I went to Tesco.

I bought food and tampons (FOR MY PERIOD. GIRL BLOOD ERRRR...)

I was driving home...

A bird appeared infront of my van

and then...

I hit the bird.

I looked behind me and it was ...

STILL

ALIVE.

But then some other guy killed it so its fine.


Catrina laughed loads, it was kinda weird. Sado-masochism right there.


Anyway it wasn't really that bad because I think it was some skanky seagul that is obviously really beyond thick because everyone knows birds don't belong on the road.

And I'm pretty sure it's a common known fact in the bird community because there wasn't any other birds there.

Maybe it was suicide. Maybe I helped him escape an abusing father and a loveless mother.


Yeh, that's what happened.


Oh wait! Owen ran! He ran for the first time since December 25th 2009. Thats a long time to not be running. After breaking two legs in a stupid amount of places, a wheelchair, crutches, a LOT of limping and a fair bit of hobbling: Owen Melonbrain ran.


I am so happy and proud for him. It's making me grin thinking about it. This means so much to him and I know it will have really lifted his spirits. (especially after reading the word 'tampons', boys hate that shit)


So yes WELL DONE OWEN, CLEVER BOY. (pat)


Lifes pretty boom-ting at the mo' despite crazy uni work and newspaper work and work experience...work. Yeh I'm doing alright.


Got a lovely boy who can run like a big boy now and he has a beard which is alright, bit ginger. Kinda fancy him still with the beard and he loves me. Wahoo! and I love him. Yaaaay! and we are having a child. Yeeehaaaaa!

Just Kidding.

But seriously. He's the best. Super lucky girl.


I've got THE most amazing pals in the world. I know everyone else says that but seriously, mine are better. Big love to my Slappin' the bass girls and to my sexy housemates who are genuinely, genuinely off their rockers but somehow manage to maintain a degree and avoid being homed.


I am getting quite obese though, that would have to be my main concern at the moment. I think I need to assess the situation properly and really get to the bottom of this massive mystery.


Okay, okay, I've been living off vending machine food, and in England that means Hula Hoops and Minstrels. But I still think it's unfair that I should grow so unfathomably large and squidgy. My brain has been working out SO much. Can I not direct that to other areas of my body?


Clearly not, anyway, now Owen isn't retarded anymore and can now, as Dom so kindly put, run away from me, I think I may need to excercise more than twice a week and stop eating carbs like there's about to be a potato famine.


In other news, I'm really spotty and can't bring myself to start wearing make-up again. It really does push me to apply moisturiser. And most girls tend to do the whole shabang every single day (wtf?! that's 5 minutes of precious snoozing time!).


Last week someone asked me if I'd had a heavy night, I just laughed, confused. They then went on to say how I did look like I was suffering quite a lot and to drink lots of water and to make sure I had a nap later.

Too embarassed to reveal that that was actually just my face, having been completely sober the night before, I played along and held my head in my hands, said I felt sick and left.


I don't really understand why people where make-up ALL the time. It seems so weird that people should cover their faces with creamy stuff clogging all their pores, every single day. Just for the benefit of other people. I mean, is that really necessary? isnt there more important things in life? Like poverty and war and sales at Topshop?


Maybe I am just incoherently lazy and am trying to justify that.


Anyway, I am off to Bedfordshire.


That's all for now :)


Jojo xxx


I wrote this post listening to : Allie Moss.

Monday 18 October 2010

Time to grow up Jojo




Argh, I've been faffing about with bills and bank statements for well over an hour now. The reason being that two months into our tenancy at our house and we still havent signed up for bills or made direct debits.

Finance is really not my area but everyone else seems infinately busy and have somehow come to the decision that it is my task to complete. So, I have.

I was completely unaware that we even had two water bills. when one came in a t £3.36 I was unbelievably happy and proud of our efficiency...two days later a second bill for £22. 65 came in.

Sewrage.
SEWRAGE?!
If I'm getting charged to wipe my arse I'd rather we all shat in the garden to be frank.

Anyway, I have finally completed the mammouth task of sorting it all and have succesfully forged three signatures on behalf of my housemates.

But I only have teeny envelopes
Like super teeny. The size of my palm teeny. Whoever said you can't fold a piece of paper more than 7 times is a loser. Totally do-able.

Well, maybe six.

Anyway, year 2 of uni is going not so well. I dont think im on the right course even. I don't want to do news. I want to do cool arty projects and be on the radio.

I'm scared that this revelation will change my life if I think about it too much. But its time to get serious about my life in general isnt it? Should I really waste another year doing something I don't neccesarily need in order to achieve my dreams and aspirations?

It's a tricky one. I'm feeling so unsettledd in myself at the moment and can't quite work out why. It's like theres someone inside my brains stirring everything up until all my feelings and thoughts become a brown mulch.

I wish I could organise it all into little folders with labels on, all packed away neatly, ready for when I need each department.

All I can really say at the moment is that I have a really amazing group of friends. They are unbelieveably patient with my slightly unsettled mental state and they are always ready to listen and offer their honest advice and perspective.
I really couldn't ask for more. They know when to tell me I'm being paranoid, or insecure or out of order, and although sometimes that is hard to take it's exactly what I need.

I like that we can go out as ladies in out heels and our dresses but we can also go out in jeans, tee shirts and flats, making dicks out of ourselves all night and not care what anyone thinks.
Sometimes you just need to know that your friends are on the same page as you when everyone else seems to be reading a different book.

I'm glad to be back blogging again after a rather flattering and inspirational e-mail from a certain Miss Malone. Thank you so much for making me realise that my blog is my therapy, and that people actually read it and have an interest.

It's weird who can make you feel invinsible. Often people who may only observe or dip into your life can truly make you see sense.

Mum is in Barcelona at the moment and I am so jealous and proud of her, but I can't quite muffle that tiny selfish part of me who feels left behind.
I am well and truly independant these days, I can't ring my mum anymore for help with banking and I can't ask her to tell me what to do with my problems.

I have to make decisions on my own and trust my own judgement. If I'm not happy then only I can fix that. If I need to make an active change, that is on my head. Of course I need support off my pals, just like everyone else, but there's no one to cuddle in to who makes me feel like all my worries will come good just because I'm wrapped in their embrace. There's no one who can tell me that I am who I am and that I can be that strong girl who gets back up when she gets knocked down. That now has to come from within.

I think I've gotten quite sensitive since my mum left, and it's made everything seem so huge and scary.

Why can't I just shake the insecurities right out of me, sit on the bed and shake my legs until every little thing that has ever made me feel shit falls out the end of my toes and floats away?
I know then I would be so much happier, so much safer and so much more fun to be around.

Again, I've managed to write a blog that was not intended to become such an emotional rollercoaster, but infact ended up just that.

But like I said, this is my therapy.

That's all for now,

Jojo xxx

I wrote this post listening to : The Script.

Saturday 2 October 2010

Secrety Secret blog.





I haven't promoted this post because I just wanted to write some stuff and it not be forced or thought through properly.

I've got a cold. A big fat snotty gross cold.
I feel like a loser sometimes.
I miss my pal Biki and my pal Alien.

I want to be fresh and not ill and I want to be surfing and skating again.
I want to act like a lady but it makes life so boring.
I can't be bothered to be all fakely happy when I feel like poo sometimes.
I don't like it when people are rude and two faced and calculating.
I wish I hadn't chosen my housemates so early on in the year.
I wish I wouldnt keep forgetting my classes at the gym and missing them.

I've truly outdone myself at being a bad drunk so far this year.

Sometimes I wish I'd met Owen in different circumstances and with us both having different romantic historys.
But that is not how life rolls. And the point of loving someone is that some of the shit stuff becomes irrelevant because nothing that they've done in the past can change how much you love them, they still make you feel like your about to explode out of your skin when you see them

I've come out the other side of an argument with my boyfriend and not wanted to just run away, because it's meant too much for me to lose. That is something I could never, ever have predicted.

I'm so much more insecure than I thought I would ever be. I think that's because putting your heart in someone else's hands make you aware of not only the good things in yourself -that the other person loves- but the bad things that may make them like you less.
And I think in time that insecurity will fade and transform through a smokecloud into security.

I also feel uninterested in following people around like I have a dictator. I have always been a strong willed person and I cannot stand the fact that some people will trapse around after others feeling they are less important.

fuck that shit.

My mums moved to spain. I'm proud of her.

My dad's making lots of effort, it makes me feel bad for everything I've ever written about him on here.

Im so happy that I have found all my friends here and that I have such a wonderfully happy life. I'm glad that I know I'm a good person and that I can go to sleep every night with a clear conscience.

I feel very sorry for people who have somehow decided that being snidey and malicious will serve them well. Because it doesn't, it wont, and too many people can see through it for them to ever benefit from it.

The biggest things in my life right now are:

Owen
Degree
Pals

And they are all awesome. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. And I wont take it for granted.

xxxx

Sunday 22 August 2010

The last of jojo in cyber space.


This will be my last blog for the foreseeable future. It's been really good having somewhere I can send all my thoughts in cyber space to avoid the embarrassment of saying them myself. But I've kinda realised that I shouldn't hide behind this stupid blog and I should just tell people how I feel. Express it in a much more admirable way; by being honest with people and just realising that what I say and think is my right and I shouldn't be scared or ashamed of that.

I've got so much more to do than sit at a computer whining about my life when I'm really a very happy little lady. I'm doing a degree I love in a place I love with people I love. I've got a fantastic Mother who has aways been proud and supportive of whatever I choose to do. I have a boyfriend that makes me forget about the other people who hurt me and makes me feel strong and beautiful and humble. He's there for me more than anyone I've ever known and has this bizarre way of texting or calling just when I'm feeling poop. And then I don't feel poop anymore because I remember how lucky I am to have him in my life.

I think I've sort of reached a point where I can look back on my life and not be sad or bitter or angry or regretful of anything, because if none of that stuff had happened my path might have been a lot different and I maybe wouldn't be where I am now. I've made some really amazing friends this year and I feel like I very nearly know myself now. Which is huge.

So adios to dwelling on my stupid, petty worries and hello to embracing all the good things in my life that I sometimes forget to remember.

I am so happy and in love and I feel like R.Patz sometimes: all glittery and crazy. I'm into that. And the future is my very own to mould whatever way I like.

Thank you to anyone who's accidentally got here and read what I've written and thank you to everyone who's become a follower and responded to my posts both online and in person. It's really been amazing knowing that other people feel like I do or that people are just interested in my life. That's really cool :)

That's all forever :)

Jojo

xxx

Friday 20 August 2010

Boy enters home turf.




Owen came to stay last week. I was pretty sure he'd love it but also a bit apprehensive to have him in my real life. I say 'real' life because it has all my history; all my exes and regrets (two very separate things can I point out) and childhood memories in it and Owen's only ever had little glimpses of those.
But this time he got it all. He was in my room where we used to skype or talk, he was in my bed where other people had been before him. He was making my mum a cup of tea and talking to family friends.

I should have felt uncomfortable, invaded and confused but instead I felt nothing. Just comfort and happiness and easygoing.

That week really brought us closer I think. We did loads of fun things like swimming in the sea, he came to MY beach (not literally, just in my brain) and we walked through my hometown, we went on a fishing trip where I caught about 7 mackerel and Owen caught a dogfish (negative man points). And we watched a meteor shower.

On Wednesday I took Owen out on the razzle and needless to say English boys can't handle Welsh girls. PukeyBrain Owen puked everywhere in my house. Like everywhere; my bed, my floor, my bath, my sink, my loo, my towels, my dressing gown, no stone was left unturned. I was really mad cause it was really smelly and I was tired. I was so mad in fact that I put pants on, just to show him how serious I was.

I woke up with a horrible, horrible hangover. I'm not good at being mad, lesser so staying that way. But I was determined to be angry. When he tried to cuddle me I rolled away.

I asked him how he felt in my best sarcastic voice and he said: ' fine , yeh, not bad, you?' He could not remember a thing. His hair smelt like puke but he was so oblivious I broke. And when I told him what had happened he was SO mortified it was cute.

Then we washed all the pukey sheets, towels, clothes and carpets and made breakfast like a real couple. In my real home, In my real life. Surreal eh?

And now he's gone back home to England (Zzzz)and it's weird cause the pillow smells like him still.

I have an exam in five days which is causing me all sorts of turmoil. Stress, panic and puke amongst others.
I've been trying to revise and I kinda do well for an hour tops and then I reach capacity and my mind just refuses to be a sponge anymore. which is not convenient considering this is a resit for an exam in which I got 14%. yeh 14...

Oh and my van is finally here, and boy was it worth the wait. It's absolutely gorgeous and I just love it. It's a hunk of junk to be perfectly honest but that's just the way I like it. Its a Daihatsu Hi-jet and its a 0.9 engine and its got six seats and it folds into a bed. Perfect for Ireland. Perfect for camping. Perfect for surfing. Just perfect.

Anyway. Happy Birthday Jessica Hughes, one of my oldest and dearest friends. You are the gin to my tonic.

I need to sleep now. I hope you aren't bored from this gross, girly, soppy blog.
Don't puke on your computers.

Jojo xx

I wrote this post listening to: the whirr of my laptop and the wind outside.

Sunday 25 July 2010

Work Experience at ITV


Hello pals,aqquaintances and people who only read this to take the piss out of me or laugh at my misfortunes (I know who you are).

I have been working SO much recently, in the last 8 days I have worked 72 hours. Pretty much non stop. 12/13 hour shifts. YUM.

Anyway, all that is stopping for two days as of tomorrow as I have managed to wangle work experience at the one and only ITV!

I'm so excited, even if it is only for a short time. I will of course have to report back on it as I cannot predict what will happen, although making a dick out of myself is pretty much a certainty.

It's nice to be back in Cardiff at my Dad and Stepmum's, if only to get away from the chocking environment of Pembrokeshire, or Saundersfoot to be precise. Everytime I come back I feel so uncertain about myself. Sometimes I am on such a high that I can't imagine why I ever left, there's no bithcyness or maliciousness that I've seen in Bournemouth and I love knowing everyone, I thrive off it.
And other days, I hate how little there is to do, or how wrapped up in themselves people can become with a small town mentality.

I'm so unpredictable and over thinky and extreme sometimes.

I'm so tempted to quit work but O'Melon keeps popping up giving me incentive and encouragement to keep going. We're going to Ireland in the first week of January for a little road trip in my new van. 5 Days of driving, extreme sports, beautiful views and nature poo's. We're gunna pimp the van out with cd's, paint jobs, stoves, heaters and character. So having something like that to save for is really keeping me going.

I love that I've committed myself to something like that;I mean, thats 6 months away and I'm not feeling clostraphobic and scared and I don't have itchy feet.
I love that I've comitted myself to someone. (all be it with a pinch of paranoia and the knowlege that it's a long fall from grace.)

Grace; Twosy my old chum (that's a lie, I've barely known her 4 months) is also someone who's made these last few weeks bearable. Having someone to natter to about absolute bollocks is brilliant. She's one of the few girls I know who shares my sense of humour.

I like that she's not sensitive and she doesn't care about disagreeing with you. So fucking what, she has an opinion, that's exactly what I want out of people. It gives them substance.

I should sleep now. But I would like to ask anyone who reads my blog to create a blogger account and become a follower of me on here. It would really help me out :)

Thanks Guyssssss.

Jojo xxx

This post was written listening to : Nate Prophet.

Friday 25 June 2010

Swimming, Drowning and Diving in.


I am quite shit at swimming, I should be good, I've spent most of my life in the bitter seas of Great Britain, but I am shit.

Don't get me wrong, I can swim a decent way, I just think I should have a better technique. It makes it all a lot more graceful if you finish your lengths and your goggles aren't full of water and your hair isn't in your mouth and you aren't gasping.

I think swimming's like a lot of things in life. You've gotta learn to be resilient, to be able to stay afloat when someone capsises your boat without warning. And you've gotta learn to do that without any one else, without any armbands. You've gotta do it on your own, with your own strength and knowlege.

Sometimes you meet people who you know could throw you into that icy ,dark sea at any moment and it's really scary. I guess you've gotta work out if they're worth that risk. If they're worth that submergence into the cold water that takes your breath away. It's hard trying to work out if someones worth the risk, 'cause for most of us, being capsised once changes your whole perspective on the water.

It's just one of those things. Some people fall off a horse and never get back on it. Some people get back on straight away and others need time before they can come to terms with the whole experience and get back on.

I think I'm the latter. It's not like I'm never gunna ride a horse again, it's just I'll make sure I'm as safe as I can be....Just re-read that, sounds like sexual inuendo. It's not. Some girl died from shagging a horse, I am NEVER EVER EVER doing that again.

I guess I never thought I was insecure, turns out everyone is, even if it's just a little bit.
I'm insecure because I've all but once had the power to capsise someone's boat, and now, someone else could capsise mine with a click of their fingers.

So the big question is should one pack armbands just in case? Or just trust that the waters will be kind to you this time?

Jojo xxx

I wrote this post listening to : Jose Gonzalles.

Sunday 13 June 2010

Packing away memories.

Today I've woken up feeling a little defeated. It's time to pack up and get ready to make the huuuuge trip home to Wales. Part of me knows I have to leave, but the majority of me doesn't want to go back for fear of this streak of happiness ending. This year has been so much to me, it's shaped who I am and forced me to make big, adult decisions. I know staying here would mean I would be poor, bored and alone but the idea of going back to my big old empty room in Tenby just isn't appealing to me right now.


I don't want anyone else to have my matchbox room, I dont want anyone else to make memories in this tiny, dusty cube. And I know people have been here before me and felt the same but I just can't shake the territorial part of me. The huge hole in the back of my door was originally very ugly and annoying, it is now a pioneering piece of modern art, built in. And its mine for fucks sake, it's mine.


Living in Hurn House is not the most glamorous of student halls but you know what, ever since I was about 14 I wanted to rough it. I love camping and bugs and dirt and being skint. It's what students are meant to do. The toilet blocks every week, pretty much without fail, and taking a shower knowing there is someone else's shit fermenting within a yard of you is not 'fun' but it has student written all over it. Having a kitchen with no windows and air con that doesn't work is very annoying but walking in and seeing Lara and Georgie red and sweating and swearing from frustration is quite comical. (mainly because they would normally be horizontal doing so)


What I'm saying is this year I've done some really good stuff, and some really stupid stuff. This year epitomises 'learning curve' and yeah I've cried a lot but my god have I laughed a lot too. And that's how it works isn't it? You've got to go through the shitty times to really appreciate the good times.


Today I'm beginning to shift through my things, I know full well that I'm going to need a skip to accomodate the amount of shit I have accumulated this year. And over the summer I'll be working in a disgusting chip shop (desperate times...) enduring 12 hour shifts without a break but I know that it will all be worth it. When I'm not in work I can catch up with everyone else and just chill on the beach like we used to and reminisce about being 15 and paraletic in the sea on a Friday night, our parents believing we were doing work at each others houses. And in September, we'll all be gone again, leaving only the echos of our voices and the chaos we have caused behind us. None of us ever go quietly.

And I'm pretty sure none of us ever will.

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Overview of the year.


All our exams are over and the first uni year is done. I cannot believe how fast its gone.
This year has been the most stressful, hardest but most exciting year of my life so far. Everything has shifted and I feel like I've adjusted to it really well.
The amount of work I have endured this year is unreal and yet I still feel at the bottom of the course. I've scraped by this year, I really have. My work ethic has been poor, managing a pass being my main objective. I haven't really tried to achieve anything spectacular and I haven't felt that rewarding sense of success when getting my papers back.

Next year is a year for change, I need to do that bit extra to shine above the rest. I am so passionate about what I'm studying so why aren't I channeling that into my work? It's beyond me how relaxed I have been.

I'm so much happier now than I was in some of the earliest posts on here. I was reading them back, cringing at what I'd said and yet here I am, sat at my desk writing another. To be honest it's not for anyone else, I just write it to get it out, I sometimes write on here, post it and then read it back and realise things about myself I never knew I thought. I know it seems very pretentious to think anyone else cares about my life and how I feel, and I could just write a journal, but there's something about sending it out into the world of the internet that gives me a release, like I'm sending it all away out of my brain to some other place.

So I'm sorry if this blog offends you or annoys you but it is very easily avoided, I don't expect anyone to be interested in my thoughts and ramblings but it's just how I do it.

Today I met Owen's sister, I was actually a bit nervous about it because I really wanted to make a good impression. Owen has a big family and mine is teeny, so he only had to meet Muma Ayris and she is very easily impressed. Anyway, we met for tea in a little cafe here in Bournemouth and it wasn't scary at all, I was a bit self concious at first but then just realised that she is not a crazy bitch and she didn't try to test me on anything and I didn't feel judged. So that is one down and about a gzillion to go.

In other news I have ballooned to a ridiculously enlarged version of myself in the past 3 weeks, I think its a mixture of laziness, alcohol and lack of real food. I've really lost any enthusiasm in the kitchen recently so today I pootled on down to tescos and bought a basket full of fruit and veg to try and make me feel and look better.
This always happens though, I look after my weight all Winter when it's a lot less important and then give up just before Summer. It's a very flawed system but I seem to have very little control over it. From here on in its all about abs and salad and taking the stairs.
I am determined never to be bigger than a size ten until I'm at least 70 years old. I was a cute size 6-8 when I arrived at uni... that is a very distant memory, the last time I confidently picked up a size 8 anywhere was back in the Winter.

Whine, whine, whine, shut-up Ayris, just stop eating so much bread and get off your arse.

P.s I love Owen, it's scary.

Jojo xx

This post was written listening to: Basement Jaxx

Friday 21 May 2010

Beach, Boobs & Burnt. (amongst other ramblings)

Today was the most beautiful day in Bournemouth. Some coursemates and I headed down to the beach and spent the day playing volley ball, going in the sea and sunbathing.

I did, of course, lose track of the time. And I did, of course forget sun lotion, AND I did OF COURSE burn like an absolute bitch. Seriously, I don't normally really burn but HOLY SHIT I am so red. I honestly thought we were there for like 3 hours...it was more like 7.

I look absolutely ridiculous naked. Like beyond Brits Abroad ridiculous. My boobs look anaemic compared to my severely burnt and recently flabby stomach (revision food). My legs are red, so so red, I should use a more theasaurus deserving word but RED is all that I can muster. Where my shorts were there is yet more polar bear type pigments. I am seriously worried about keeping my boyfriend over the next few days.

Oh! and my face...I don't really know how this has happened but I seem to have a moustache shaped burn. It's really very unfortunate. I look like I have purposely tried to burn in particular places to immitate Hitler. I'm not really happy that he gets a capital letter. It's like 'God'. It unnerves me a little.

So I look like I've done one of the following:

1) Held my breath for longer than Radiohead in 'No Surprises'

2) Leant over that stupid volcano at the unlucky moment it erupted.

3) Just been caught masterbating to HelloGoodbye. (that was like, one time)

4) Realised that wasn't a fart

From the above you can probably put together an image of how awful I look right now.

However, pre sunburn I had the most lovely day. It was pretty weird too. Me and Suze got approached by some man from Zoo magazine wanting to take pictures of us on the beach in bikinis. Blank denial from me, a more understandable yes from Suze (She has legs up to my tonsils and abs to make Miss Anniston jealous).

Later, a BBC news crew come along and ask if they can film us playing volley ball on the beach, we oblige, I get hit in the face, with a ball, on camera. Standard.

I am currently slathered in aloe vera, Vinegar (a Californian secret to minimising the appearance of sunburn, Cheers Suze!), and moisturiser. Fingers crossed I look less like a kebab tomorrow.

In other news I've been thinking about relationships, in particular girls. No, not like that. I mean girls in relationships. I've been subconciously observing people. Girls don't commit anymore, girls dont say I love you anymore, girls don't let feelings get in the way of a relationship.

A friend of mine has been in a relationship since near the beginning of Uni and after talking to her I've realised she epitimises what I've been trying to put my finger on.
She says her boyfriend is mad at her because she wont tell him she loves him back. I asked her if she loved him and she said no. I asked her if she will and she said no. So why is she with him then?
Because she likes him, she really, really likes him, she doesn't want to lose him but she just isn't doing 'love' right now. It's not something she's ready for again. And here's that old cliche. She's been hurt before, like most of us, nothing extraordinary. So she's not putting herself back there again. It takes too much out of you. It sucks out too much faith, too much trust.

But breaking someone else's heart is just as messy, just as painful and just as unforgiving. It's so, so, so hard, to look in the eye, someone you care about and have basically watched fall in love with you and tell them it's all over.
Especially when they're a friend aswell. It takes having your heart broken to know how much it is to break someone elses.


JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to: The Bronze Medal ( www.myspace.com/thebronzemedalmusic )

Saturday 1 May 2010

relationships, fear and stability.


I recently took that extremely scary jump into a relationship. This is a big deal for me. I never like guys enough to commit to them. I never feel like I can give enough to maintain that kind of relationship and I never let myself trust someone enough to feel stable (due to cliche past relationship).
I don't really know what it is about this one that makes it so different, but it is. I'm still terrified it's all going to go horribly wrong and I dont really know how I see it all panning out but for some reason I've done it anyway.

I always say I'm not scared of anything, but I'll let you into a little secret, I am. I'm scared of investing feelings in people - you know sooner or later you're going to get hurt. Not just a little bit scared either. I think the correct term would be shit scared. Pooing-myself-scared.

People always leave eventually, no one can ever promise you they aren't going to hurt you, and you can't ever promise them that back. You never know what might happen tomorrow. I'm so happy today but tomorrow something could happen to completely reverse that. I think people who get married are ignorant and naiive. I think to imagine that putting a ring on your finger is going to guarantee you security is ridiculous.
Marriage doesn't mean anything anymore, we no longer live in a time where people work through things, I am undeniably living proof of that.

I've never argued with a boyfriend before but I think if it came to it, I'd cut my losses and walk away before it got messy. It's not a good trait but I'm not about to put myself through weeks of mental torture trying to fix something I have no control over, only to end up deflated and disappointed.

This makes me sounds like I'm not happy, I am. I've met someone that gives me everything I need. Someone on completely the same level as me. He's got backbone, that's what I like about him. He's not going to agree with everything I say just to please me and he's passionate about things. And we laugh, a lot.

But I am feeling a little lost. I kind of feel like I'm faking something. Like what he thinks I am isn't actually me. I don't know where I've got this idea from but it's really niggling at me. I feel inadequate. In the least self pitying way possible. What if one day I wake up and I don't want to be here?

I'm so unsettled, all the time. I'm so unsure, so nervoues, so restless. I can't stay still both literally and metaphorically. I'm never happy and grounded where I am, I always want to be moving around, moving house, moving places.
But that is a completely mirrored image of my past. We never stayed anywhere for long, Dad was always coming and going, even when my parents were together, he would be gone for months at a time, wandering in and out of my life like an uncle or a family friend. He was never solid. He never offered support. I remember crying into my mother arms hundreds of times and I can't once remember doing the same with my Dad. Christ, I even remember crying into my brothers arms, when he must have only been ten himself. He was so good to me when we were younger.
I think my father is to blame too for my lack of confidence in myself. He's always demanded more than I could posisbly achieve. I could never be strong enough, clever enough, thin enough. I was always so honest with him and he was always so fickle to me.
I HATE that yet another post has become about my dad. I hate that I can't get over it and just be proud of what I've worked so hard for. I hate that I base every male in my life on his actions.

I'm so fucking angry at how I've turned out. I feel so jagged. I feel that one day I'm just going to snap and I'm going to end up doing something so ridiculously stupid and I wont be able to fix it.

But for now I'm just going to push all that to the back of my head and enjoy being the happiest I've been for such a long time.

JoJo xxx

I wrote this post listening to: Snow Patrol.

Wednesday 14 April 2010

Caerdydd (Cardiff) at the Fathers house.

I'm here in Cardiff and after only an hour of arriving my Dad has insinuated that I am fat, told me my CV was shit and laughed at my music. Nice to see nothing's changed since I last saw the man.
But as I've mentioned before, I'm not exactly a Daddy's girl.

I'm excited to be here however, because lots of my friends from home went to uni here and I now get to see them.
I'm looking forward to seeing an old friend too, Joey. He sort of adopted me when my Dad first moved to the area and has always been genuine and kind. He's one of the people who still sees me as one of the lads and he always looks after me. I haven't seen him for so long and I'm really looking forward a bit of banter.

Things to do whilst I'm in Cardiff:

1) visit Hobo's. the best vintage shop I've ever been in.
2) See Snakey and co.
3) CARNAGE.
4) Post CV's for work experience.
5) Visit the grandparents.
6) Continue to run, despite hating it without Butterfly.
7) DONT FAIL MY LIFE (revise)

I think this is all achievable if I put my mind to it. Revision really is a chore when you aren't in a working atmosphere, especially with my little brother, Joe running about acting as a welcome distraction from boring grown up things.

Camping is all sorted for the 22nd and I'm really up for it. I've always loved camping and the whole roughing it experience. Swim in the lake and bbq food is exactly what I want.
The only thing I'm a little apprehensive about is the company. Hannah and Owen I'll be fine with, but the rest of the 'crew' aren't my usual peers. I'm sure they are really lovely people, it's just making a bad impression in the middle of the forest with no signal may end in me floating face down in the river. Fingers crossed for me yeh?

I am desperately trying to get into shape for the summer but my weight is fluctuating in an irritating way as usual. Some days I'm 8.2others I'm 8.10, not something I appreciate. I mean how can one put on 8lbs in a matter of days?
I really hate feeling all squidgy and whalelike,I hate that some people have amazing metabolisms and treat their body like its a bin. I hate that alcohol is the worst for putting on weight. I hate that ice cream tastes so good. I hate that boys are in the main completely unnacfected by the troubles of weightloss.

Rant over.

This is a shit post but I don't care, about 3 people read my blog anyway so I'll only be wasting 3 people's time.

I'm going to dye my hair, it's been seven shades of shit for a while now as I've been trying to get the different dyes out through various methods but it has got to the point where I actually look like a witch. Game over Head and Shoulders, you're shit.
I will be dying it a sufficiently boring version of brown to try and even it all out ready for summer.

Owen keeps talking about travelling, which I am absolutely gagging to do and it's making me almost want to fail so I have an excuse to go. Talking about places like the Congo,the Amazon and Bali is really making me restless.

Enough for now Hwyl Fawr!

JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to : Fat Freddy's Drop and Natty.

Thursday 8 April 2010

Plans plans plans.

It is 4.05 am and I am wide awake. This is bad news for my body clock, good news for my blog. I'm happy as Larry these days, and I have plans. Lots of 'em.
Next term I'm going to get outside more often, I adore nature so why am I not surrounding myself in it? I love everything about being outside, the smell, the feel of the fresh air on my skin, the sun, the rain, the wind. I like it all.

In the words of Florence: Happiness hit her like a train on a track. Although, that similie has strange connotations, as if happiness is bad, to compare happiness with getting hit by a train is not something I've ever considered, which is probably why I'm not as rich as her.

I'm revising a very small amount of public affairs and law, but that is better than nothing and will bring me one step closer to passing my first exam this year.
Uni has been a lot more intense than I had imagined. But I know that when I surface from it all the sun will be shining.

Speaking of sun, I would really like some of that please. We've had a really lovely day today and I spent it on the beach doing gymnastics, running, and just admiring the sea. It really is incredible.
I'm really looking forward to going back to Bournemouth now, it seems every time I come home it's a little less fun, although I can't deny I miss the scenery here more than anything. Pembrokeshire is really inexplainably beautiful. I wish I could take it with me to whatever city I will have to live in in order to get my dream job.
I want to be a radio presenter if I haven't already mentioned it. I had work experience at a local radio station over a year ago now and the second I sat behind that desk I knew that was what I wanted to do. I feel right there. And I plan on knocking the fantastic Fearne Cotton off her spot at Radio One in the next seven years. So watch out FC , JA has plans! ( I do, of course want to be Miss Cottons best friend, but knowing I have no where near enough cool points for that, I've decided to save myself the heartache and write that friendship off straight away)

Tomorrow me and my 'Sister' are going shopping in charity shops for sheets and silver bodypaint. It's a friends party in the evening and we plan on being anything but sexy.

'Sister' has also decided to shave one side of her beautiful brown hair off in a moment of completely characteristic madness. I love my friends. I love that Butterfly is as mad as a hatter in the most entertaining and endearing way, I love that no amount of asshole under educated racism can stop Wife from being the most colourful and hilarious person I know, I love how even though Biki is on the other side of the world doing the most amazing things, she still wants to know what I'm up to. And I love that Lucie still knows how to make me laugh hysterically after almost a year of not seeing her.

Okay, 'The Whora Chronicles' need a mention here. The Whora Chronicals are a set of short stories written by the one and only Vallance about a certain young lady (who is actually alright) who was sleeping with my boyfriend for quite sometime. In these rather graphic short stories Whora has dead animals sewn onto her face and dies several times(among other, unmentionable things). And I am not a bitter person, but they healed my broken heart better than anything else I've ever known. Pure comedy and exactly what I needed to get out that whatever it was I was feeling back then.

One day, they will be best sellers. I just know it.

I haven't taken interest in anyone for quite a long time, that seems to have changed as of late. Which I'm more than happy about. I will say no more to avoid being creepy and over keen.

There's not much left to say now apart from my boobs wont stop growing and I like them how they are right now, which is a pain, and also, if anyone has any quick solutions to a perfect booty, let me know.

JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to: Regina Spektor

Friday 2 April 2010

Cliches about wales- true and false.

1) We're all farmers : Nearly true

2) It always rains: Too True

3)We're inbred: Partly False

4) There's more sheep than people: True

5) We dont understand slang : True

6) We're friendly: True (apart from that bitch in The Lifeboat who looks like she just sat on a combine harvester)

7) We shag sheep : COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY TRUE.

8) There's a large proportion of disabled people : True

9) Everyone is pregnant : Basically True

10) We're aweseome at camping : True

11) Welsh girls are the best girls in the entire world ever: True ( again apart from that bitch in The Lifeboat who also sometimes looks like she's a cross breed between a rhino, the Grinch and a burns victim)

12) We're stupid : False

13) Our language is completely useless and basically copies English but adds "iau" on the end of every word : True.

I hope I've cleared up any suspicions in this post. I can obviously not guarantee any of these things apart from no.11...of course.
It's good to be home!

JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to : Corrine Bailey Rae

Thursday 1 April 2010

Easter Time

Tomorrow Mother Bear is picking me up from my penthouse apartment in Bournemouth....well, we're top floor in a building that used to be a car park, pretty much there.

Easter is upon us, and I feel like things are going pretty good at the mo'. Last couple of weeks have really been sweet for me. Met some new people, conjured up some new dance moves and had something catch my eye.

Now when I head back to Wales I think I'll be a lot more productive than I was last time. I'm going to revise for all my exams and I'm gunna actually pass them this time. I'm taking hold of my life. I've let myself drift for too long. Time to make a new path.

I feel like I'm at home here now, and the sun is starting to shine both literally and metaphorically. I'm pretty happy.

Last night we went out as a course (BAMMJ's you knows it) to a local club and I had a really, really lovely night thanks to a new friend. Although mixing tequila, wine, vodka, vk and malibu probably wasnt the greatest idea I've ever had. (note: tequila and fanta actually tastes good!)

I woke up today with my homegirl, Esmatron sleeping soundly. I'm so blessed to have her in my life.
I got up (around 7/8am) and finished off my assignment which was due for 12 o clock. Whacked that out with very little care or attention, more worrying about my stomach falling out of my ass due to hangoverial reasons ( I am aware that isn't a word TIM HEAP ) .

Tonight I'm going for chinese with Esmatron and Valentine I think, should be quite the hangover cure. Laaarvely.

It's going to be weird leaving this poo hole for good. I kinda feel like I'll always have a bit of Hurn house with me. These memories are one's I will never forget. The way living with 16 people changes you as a person is unreal. And despite the differences or distance I love every single bellend on this floor. You made my year, you crafted my memories and my god have you made me laugh. You are part of my system now and living without you will be hard to adjust to.

I'm sleeping better. It's nice, I feel less blurry, less angry and I'm pretty sure I look less like I just escaped from Joseph Fritzl.

Over easter I'm gunna sort out my body. It's coming up to summertime now and I want to feel less like I just ate three children and an ironing board in my bikini. I'm not fat, but I've seen myself at my best and I want that back please baby Jesus.

Enough for now I think. The jist of this post is I'm a bit squidgy round the edges but I'm happy.
Happy Holidays

JoJo xx

I wrote this post listening to: Dashboard Confessional

Sunday 21 March 2010

Summer's coming!

I Cannot believe how fast this uni year has gone. It's absolutely unreal that I will no longer be living in these shitty digs in a month or so.
I'll be sad to say goodbye though.

The sun is starting to peek through the clouds these days which is such a lovely feeling. Things are looking up and I can start looking at my flipflops again.
This summer will be a strange one. A lot has changed since this time last year. I'm single, I've lived away from home and I have a sense of belonging neither at home nor here quite yet. I'm in transition.
Friendships at home have in some instances dissintergrated completely and in others grown stronger, proving to be loyal.

When I go home for easter I think I'll find it especially wierd because one of me best friends has gone travelling and she was my solid at home. I'll probably still walk her dog, Milly, where we used to- across Tenby south beach, the sea fighting with the tide for territory.

There will be a lot of revision going on after my first failiure in a law exam and a lot of chilling out with the crew- drinkng beer and catching up on lives we forgot about. We normally have nice easters where I live, there's often a week or so of warm weather, ruined only by the cold wind.

Jane will have her annual garden party and we'll eat barbeque food and listen to chillout. It's times like that I really appreciate my home town.
A hangover cure at home is a walk on the beach laughing histerically at the previous nights happenings and being completely incapable to do anything but squint at the sunlight.

I've had a resolution, to care more, to care more about my uni work and care more about how I see myself. To stop feeling like I dont fit and just relax. To get amongst it, to breath in the atmosphere and mood of every single day.

I think too much sometimes. I was in town with a flatmate the other day and he mentioned that I think a lot about everything. And he's right, I over think, I get so lost in details and moments and actions that I can never just let life drift around me. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to wake up and regret how much I missed that I absorb everything and try and consume it.

That particular flatmate has just got that texture about him that makes you feel relaxed and makes you know that it's all genuine, it's straight up and there's nothing to hide. A secrets a secret, a truths a truth, a joke is a joke. A quality I wish I saw in more people. He's a friend I realy value even thought we aren't super close.

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm ready to start getting things done, to make headway, to try in assignments, to feel reward and not just relief when I hand in work. To feel I'm making the most of what I've been so blessed to have.

Me and my Dad are nearly friends aswell. We've had an extremely rocky relationship since I was about ten and things have progressivley worsened, through bitterness and my incompetence to forgive and forget.
I remember a time when he came to pick me up on a Tuesday-his day, and lying straight up saying I had work to do. I never clocked the sadness on his face that day until last week, when I woke in a sweat.
Having been rejected by your own flesh and blood, your little girl. To see so much hate in a 13 year old me. And to have to say "okay, I'll see you soon" and walk away, get into your van and leave, knowing that what you did can never be truly fixed. To know you aren't wanted is hideous.

Although what he did was wrong, I still can't help but regret that moment sincerely.

But things are getting better, the awkwardness of pretending everything is okay is slipping away each time I see him. The truth isn't so hard to show and my outspoken behaviour around him isn't so shocking anymore. I think he's starting to see my character and how I function now. How I think and act. what I find funny, what I like to do and see. It's something that should have been achieved a long time ago, but I don't know a family that isn't dysfunctional.

I'm happy with who I am, I know that I'm honest and kind. I know I don't hold back but I never try to offend. I'm out of the shadows and adjusting to the light.

JoJo xx

Saturday 6 March 2010

Alllll byyyy myselllllfffff ( a la Bridget Jones)

Feeling a bit on my todd as of late. I'm not talking serious stuff, just a cuddle wouldn't go a miss every now and again.

I'm always a bit weird about talking about this kind of stuff but had a chat with an intoxcated flatmate last night and managed to get it all out.

I'm bored of being single, I'm not very good at it and I am not cool. I can't swish past guys making them drop their drinks just to stare after me.
I can't be normal when talking to a vaguely attractive guy, I normally end up revealing my entirely bizarre self before I have a chance to show them I'm actually just a little eccentric.

The girls and I went out for food last night and I felt a little airy, like I wasn't really enjoying what should have been a lovely night.

I came home feeling pissed off, and craving what I needed least, ice cream and chick flicks.

Today I woke up feeling all feministic and positive, I went to the gym and worked so hard I was sick in the toilets and felt faint all the way home, swaying and not being able to concentrate on anything.
But I felt so good for having got out a bit of pent up frustration .

I had a very out of character and extremely intoxicated fumble with a coursemate recently which, to be honest made me feel a bit sick the next day. Not in a 'eww he's disgusting' way, more of a 'that's not me, why did I do it?' kinda way.
A bit disturbingly I think it's something to do with human contact. With having skin on skin.
But it was wierd, especially as I can remember only snapshots of the evening, with leaving the flat being my first blank.

I miss lying in bed with nothing on, next to someone and just feeling content. I miss having a face that makes me smile that isn't one of my beautiful friends. I miss snuggling on the sofa with a film knowing full well I wont watch more than the opening credits.
I miss regular sex, a lot. I have an annoyingly high sex drive for someone who just isn't into one night stands.
I've even tried avoiding aphodisiac foods. It's that bad.

But it isn't just sex I miss, it's more another branch off my social web, a boy branch, a strong branch that isn't intergrated into the rest of my already fairly disfunctional life.
I want someone to see me at my best and think its brilliant, and to see me at my worst but not really mind. A lot to ask I know.

But I know it's possible. I have, believe it or not, been adored before now.

That's all I can bring myself to divulge today. Back to Blink 182 and my overactive mind.

JoJo x

Monday 22 February 2010

The joys of being poor.

I am poor, no doubt about it. But as a student its no longer skanky right?

Here are a few things, good and bad that I've noticed about being poor.


1) You dont feel obliged to buy drinks, because you know you'd have to sell your shoes to do so, and no one expects that of you.


2) Taxi drivers feel sorry for you when you start fishing coppers out of your sock-come-purse and let you off with a lower fare.


3) People notice that you've been wearing those socks for a good three days because you can't afford washing.


4) Your nan has better clothes than you. (not entirely unusual)


5) Asda price vodka freezes...


6) When someone charges you more than 2 pound for a drink you raise your eyebrows and sigh.


7) Getting your drink spiked doesnt seem so bad after all.


8) Finding 5pence is the best thing that happened to you all day.


9) Anything more than 4pence for noodles is 'extortionate'


10) You broaden your social web - Hobo's aren't all bad.


11) You limit your bog roll use : 1 piece for a wizzle, 2 pieces for a poop, unless it is a hangover poo, in which case you can use up to five, but drip dry next time to make up for it.


12) You get thin, because you cant actually afford anything other than space raiders and peas.


Sunday 21 February 2010

My first reflective walk in Bournemouth.

Today I woke up and felt a little unsettled. No reason. Just felt off, a bit uncomfortable.

Back at home I would walk across the beach by my house, climb up on a rock and sing or just gaze at the vastness of the ocean.
Today I walked down to Bournemouth beach which isn't half as nice or private as the ones we have at home but it's still pretty. I brought my notebook, a pen and my ipod.
I left my phone at my flat- nature and modern technology should never be side by side.

I walked away from the chaos of the main beach and headed up towards Boscombe. My music was on, set to Dashboard Confessional and City and Colour, I climbed onto a groyne and walked along it until I was surrounded by the water crashing at the wooden legs. I like it when the sea matches my mood. I looked across the water, it was never ending, I love how the sea makes you feel tiny, like there's so much more than what is yours.

I stood there for at least 2o minutes, just listening and looking. I sang so loud, no longer caring if anyone was nearby. I cried a lot. For nothing but my own satisfaction and the release of letting go.

Back at the shore, I wrote, the sea always makes me write. I wrote about anything that came into my head, disjointed and scrawly.
I wrote part of a song- a chorus and two verses. I needed James there to make the tune in my head beautiful on his accoustic. And right then I knew what was wrong, I missed home, for the first time since September. And I didn't miss my family or the nightlife or even my friends very much. I just missed having somewhere I could call my own.

At home Waterwynch beach is mine, no one goes there and it's where I've had my most emotional times, sometimes being there from early morning until dusk. It's tiny but it's full of my secrets and sorrys and happy moments.

Nothing here yet has my identity scraped into it, where it will never fade.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy, I'm the happiest I've been for years, my future is in view and I can shape it whichever way I want to.
Everyday I wake up proud that I've gotten where I am, that I worked hard enough to make my aspirations possible.

This post is full of cliches, but I dont even care. It's my truth.

Saturday 20 February 2010

Everyone is dispersing.

It's come that time in my life when everyone around me leaves, not in a horrible, abandoning, depressing way, more a kind of growing up sort of way.

Most of us girls are in uni now, and we are no longer the girls that get invited to all the parties or the girls whose parties everyone wants to be invited to.
Now we are just girls.

We are all off, outside our small town bubble, trying to make something of ourselves without all of our previous components.
We were pretty tight knit before we left and now we hardly speak.

One of my best friends Biki is going travelling soon. She has been such a fantastic friend, there through the tough times and the fun times.
She's been there when I cared what boys think, when I didn't care, when I pretended I didn't care and when I didn't know how to care.
She has the most amazing smile in the world, and the most contagious giggle.
She is a true gem and I will really really REALLY miss her, which counts for a hell of a lot these days.
Sometimes I'm not sure who my real freinds are, I have uni friends and flatmates, friends from home and abroad, but I sometimes wonder which ones would still stand strong when I was at my worst.
'Cause that's how freindship works isn't it? You can't just be there for the fair weather, you have to be there in the thunder and lightning, carrying a spare umbrella to protect each other from the rain.

Friends who were as close to me as a sister no longer seem to care where I am or what I'm doing, and that is the saddest part of all about growing up.
They aren't mean or rude, I'm just not in there mind anymore, it's no-one's fault but that doesn't stop it hurting.

I suppose this part of my life is the part I have to do on my own, just like everyone else, and then it will all make sense, one would hope.

Friday 19 February 2010

Lent - carb city.

For lent I decided to give up meat and alcohol, I am not religious, but I like to test my self restraint every now and again.
Its Day 3 and I'm feeling quite good about it all, apart from that dreaded food group...CARBS.
don't get me wrong I like carbs, I LOVE carbs, but that is of course the problem.
Being vegetarian kinda restricts your diet if you don't know how to cook fantastic vegetarian food.
So day 1 I strutted into ASDA filling my trolley gallantly with fruit and veg (hiding the pizza of course) and waving about pro-biotic yoghurt like I was actually going to eat it.
Half way round the store I gazed into my trolley and was struck with fear - what the fuck could I cook with all this?
I mean, I love veg and I can happily eat a plate of it, but 2 meals a day for 40 days? Really?
So I casually jogged over to the frozen section with desperation in my eyes. Isle 12 - ' frozen vegetarian ' - worrying.
I grabbed as much imitation meat as possible, hiding it under my elaborate vegetables(artichoke is FOUL by the way) and proceeded to the checkout in the hope that this new diet would make me super thin and fabulous in everyway.
Boy was I wrong. I have gained an estimated 4lbs and am consuming at least 4 pieces of bread a day, a carb that was previously strictly banned from my diet. Not to mention the 2 bags of crisps and occasional raw potatoe when times are tough.

To cut to the chase, I'm getting fat AND I lost my gym card, the chances of getting laid are getting smaller and smaller, whereas I am getting larger and larger.

But hey, here's hoping my body will for ONCE obey my wishes and drop a bit of jelloid deposits, preferably from my stomach, please.

Thursday 18 February 2010

Chatroulette - what a blast.


Last night, I found myself typing in that dreaded URL for the first time, yes, I was indeed a chatroulette virgin. Thinking it would be fairly tolerable, and maybe a chance to laugh at girls who put on a full face of make-up and smile sweetly in the hope that they'll meet their dream man online. I was wrong.
There was very little in the way of savoury entertainment, I've never seen so many dicks in my life. Seriously. The first time I saw some faceless man wanking off infront of his webcam I saw myself blush onscreen. The second I was shocked and by the 6th I was laughing.

It does bother me that people must sit there waiting for someone to enjoy their exhibitionistic outlet. Many men first seemed nice enough, "where are you from? how are you?" etc, but as soon as the basics were covered it turned more into "I want to see British titties". Hmmm. No.

The basic rules of chat roulette are that you have your webcam on and you can talk to people all across the world, when you get bored, jsut click 'next' and your gone, off to a new stranger.

The whole idea has very good intentions, bringing people all over the world together in seconds. But the outcome is more like a montage of porn juxtaposed with fifteen year old girls in their bra's.

At one point 6 of my housemates were in my room with a blow up, naked doll, showing the men her breasts when requesting some 'boobies'. It was funny for a while.
A few times I've actually come across some really interesting/ funny people, who I will never see again. Which I suppose is the beauty of it.

People sit around with all sorts of props, I met some guys dressed as a hostage and a terrorist with a sign saying ' show boobs to save hostage'.

There are also some really disturbing things on there. One of them was a man hanging in the corner of a room, which I presume is a picture and not real life, but still, considering there is no need for proof of age its worrying that 12 year olds could be watching these things.

The internet has broadened our social web but also narrowed it. When was the last time you spoke to a facebook friend in real life? I bet some of mine are more than 6 months.
This need for short term friendship is both exciting and exhausting, and that reflects my real life situations. Sometimes I feel completely out of sociability, I put my ipod in and mute everything around me.
I'm constantly on facebook or blackberry messenger or texting. Its not real, and it's making us lose out on the beauty of real experiences, and actually clicking with people and being able to talk for hours on end, without the aid of a time delay to think of some witty comeback.

I sometimes wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot trying to meet new people all the time in the hope that one of them will actaully be worht my time.

Maybe looking too hard for another component is whats making me this one (wo)man band.

Saturday 23 January 2010

Saturdays used to be fun/why aren't I getting laid?


Saturday, previously a day for food with the girls, drinking tea and preparing for the night ahead, has become a dull and lonely day for catching up on work, realising I have no money left but cant start my budget again until monday, and trying to force my fat ass to the gym.


Today is a saturday and the most exciting thing I've done is re-discover my love for squash and lemonade. Also a serious amount of procrastinating has happened and it is now 6pm and I find myself starting to glance at my pyjamas.


I am not, as it may appear, a social reject, in fact I have always been more the socialite, but Saturdays are so lame now.


Also it has occured to me today that the last time I had sex was in September....and with Valentines day fast approaching I am beggining to feel that dreading sense of fear for the day when everyone is boasting about that shitty teddy their ugly boyfriend got them.


So my new, new years resolution is to get laid. Pronto.

The thing is, I'm very picky, gotta be tall, gotta be funny, gotta havea big nose (seriously) etc etc. It also doesnt help that I am completely put off by anyone who does fancy me, what is wrong with me?


I've been getting turned on by neighbours for months now, why cant I just grin and bear it?


It's my birthday on February 2nd and I have my fingers crossed for some fantstic man to sweep me off my feet. If anyone knows of such man who matches criteria above, please contact me.
JoJo x