relationships, fear and stability.

I recently took that extremely scary jump into a relationship. This is a big deal for me. I never like guys enough to commit to them. I never feel like I can give enough to maintain that kind of relationship and I never let myself trust someone enough to feel stable (due to cliche past relationship).
I don't really know what it is about this one that makes it so different, but it is. I'm still terrified it's all going to go horribly wrong and I dont really know how I see it all panning out but for some reason I've done it anyway.

I always say I'm not scared of anything, but I'll let you into a little secret, I am. I'm scared of investing feelings in people - you know sooner or later you're going to get hurt. Not just a little bit scared either. I think the correct term would be shit scared. Pooing-myself-scared.

People always leave eventually, no one can ever promise you they aren't going to hurt you, and you can't ever promise them that back. You never know what might happen tomorrow. I'm so happy today but tomorrow something could happen to completely reverse that. I think people who get married are ignorant and naiive. I think to imagine that putting a ring on your finger is going to guarantee you security is ridiculous.
Marriage doesn't mean anything anymore, we no longer live in a time where people work through things, I am undeniably living proof of that.

I've never argued with a boyfriend before but I think if it came to it, I'd cut my losses and walk away before it got messy. It's not a good trait but I'm not about to put myself through weeks of mental torture trying to fix something I have no control over, only to end up deflated and disappointed.

This makes me sounds like I'm not happy, I am. I've met someone that gives me everything I need. Someone on completely the same level as me. He's got backbone, that's what I like about him. He's not going to agree with everything I say just to please me and he's passionate about things. And we laugh, a lot.

But I am feeling a little lost. I kind of feel like I'm faking something. Like what he thinks I am isn't actually me. I don't know where I've got this idea from but it's really niggling at me. I feel inadequate. In the least self pitying way possible. What if one day I wake up and I don't want to be here?

I'm so unsettled, all the time. I'm so unsure, so nervoues, so restless. I can't stay still both literally and metaphorically. I'm never happy and grounded where I am, I always want to be moving around, moving house, moving places.
But that is a completely mirrored image of my past. We never stayed anywhere for long, Dad was always coming and going, even when my parents were together, he would be gone for months at a time, wandering in and out of my life like an uncle or a family friend. He was never solid. He never offered support. I remember crying into my mother arms hundreds of times and I can't once remember doing the same with my Dad. Christ, I even remember crying into my brothers arms, when he must have only been ten himself. He was so good to me when we were younger.
I think my father is to blame too for my lack of confidence in myself. He's always demanded more than I could posisbly achieve. I could never be strong enough, clever enough, thin enough. I was always so honest with him and he was always so fickle to me.
I HATE that yet another post has become about my dad. I hate that I can't get over it and just be proud of what I've worked so hard for. I hate that I base every male in my life on his actions.

I'm so fucking angry at how I've turned out. I feel so jagged. I feel that one day I'm just going to snap and I'm going to end up doing something so ridiculously stupid and I wont be able to fix it.

But for now I'm just going to push all that to the back of my head and enjoy being the happiest I've been for such a long time.

JoJo xxx

I wrote this post listening to: Snow Patrol.