Life, Love and Loss

Loss

What is loss? " the state of being deprived or of being without something that one has had."

Today I lost someone. The first real loss of my adult life. The first loss I have understood. It leaves me confused. It leaves me hysterical. It leaves me calm. How can someone just go? Just leave. And never come back.

I think that's the worst bit. No warnings, no goodbyes.

How can someone who helped make you who you are for all those years just leave? How will I make him proud now? How will I show him what I can do?

When you lose a phone or a purse panic sets in. When I lost my Grandad I didn't feel panic. I felt emptiness. My brain was looking for an emotion. Trying to identify a way to understand but everyone had gone into hibernation in there.

And then sad came running out faster than I've ever known. Like a train.

Today is so sunny and lovely. It's not pathetic fallacy. But maybe it's whispering celebration. Maybe it's saying love or joy or gratitude.

I have all those things for Grandad.

I feel like today has shifted something. Reality has nestled it's way into my conciousness. This is reality. You can never trust in forever physically.

But if someone comes into your life and wraps you in love and kindness and pride. Unconditional. Then you've won. You've had a taste of the most beautiful thing in life.

It is all very dramatic here. But it feels that way. This microcosm I call my life has changed. The structure is a beam short. And it's irreplaceable.

But this house is still strong. The extra weight, the shadows add pressure, but it can still hold itself this way. Just as long as all the other beams hold together tightly.

Today I have a broken heart. I don't think it will heal as easily as it has before. This heartbreak will stay. But it serves as a reminder of a life I was privileged enough to be a part of.

Rest easy Grandad. you will be missed. You leave here a family in mourning and in pride.
The memories we made will forever leave me happy, grateful and bursting with love. Bursting with love.

That's all for now.

Jojo xxxxx