Becoming Feral

Waterwynch has my heart. It is a small beach down the road from my house, you have to do a little off road navigation to get there so it's often empty. I love having it to myself.
Something about it remedies me. The sound of the small waves falling onto the pebbles on a high tide like tonight is just delicious - the crinkling and shuffling of all the stones being jangled around by the water's undercurrent, sucking back with the pull of the moon.

When the tide is out I usually walk to the cave on the right, it's tucked into this tiny bay, snuggled up to the cliffs. I love how the sea looks from inside the cave; the mouth of it opening out onto the powerful light of the water. I like to climb here too. Nothing too ambitious, I just like moving up high and scaling the edges of my favourite place, seeing it from every possible angle.

Tonight it is a light evening. The sun is low, creating a syrupy blanket of soft light on the water and cliffs. The waves are kissing the pebbles right up close to the stone path that leads back up to reality. My body absorbs the views and sounds and textures as much as it can, they settle something inside me.

Whilst I am here I can think.
I don't come here very often any more. Mostly because it feels like a sacred place to me. I rarely bring people here. I'm protective of it. Like it is a part of me. Like if someone comes here the sea will whisper my secrets back with each lulling of the waves. It feels personal here, intimate.

I usually come to Waterwynch when I'm feeling a little low. Today I'm feeling a little lost. The months following the end of university have been fun, I've worked hard at a job I adore. But there has been something else. An underlying itch, a niggle, an undercurrent. It's asking "what next?".

Other people are asking that too. My parents, my grandparents, my friends, and I suppose I have been as well.

But I just don't know the answer. I don't want to go to a job that I don't have a passion for and end up turning grey inside. I don't want the money and the pencil skirts and that sinking feeling when my alarm goes off every morning.
I want to explore, to see the world. I want to explore my abilities as a writer, decide what it is exactly that I want to do, I want to get to know new friends, see new opportunities and paths. And I don't want to jump into something just because it is what people would want or what is expected of me.

If I'm completely honest with myself I know what's keeping me here in a tiny town with little job opportunities, gossip and extortionate drink prices. It's the sea.  I want to be in it. All of the time; preferably on a board but happily just swimming.
It's gotten so under my skin this year. I ache when I'm away from it, it frustrates me if  I can't get to it and it has started to bother me when there aren't waves.

And I know I can't flounce around being romantic about the sea forever, getting more and more feral as my money runs out, but I want that for now (not the feral part). I will be a responsible young adult and make big decisions and pay council tax one day, but I have the rest of my life to be a grown up. So I am going to enjoy being excited about nature for a while. It could be a lot worse. I could be into hard drugs and dangerous men.

And at graduation when everyone is talking about internships and jobs and their new lives I will be proud of my pals and their achievments, knowing I will one day have mine.

That's all for now,
Jojo xxx

The End of an Era

So that's it. The class of 2012 are finished.Three years of quite literally, blood, sweat and tears. I know it's been hard; I've cried more over my degree than I have over all the boys that have ever broken my heart, but I'm still sad to see the back of it.
I've met some of my best friends here, my BEST. And now we have to scatter off into the distance. It feels like we are all parts a patchwork quilt, each of us helping to build this dysfunctional safety blanket. But now the quilt is being ripped apart to all sections of the country, of the world.
I know some of us will stay in touch but it's just heartbreaking. My friends are my family here. They understand who I've become, whereas friends at home have missed that bit of me. I still love my home pals; Biki, Bex, Jammy- they aren't loved any less, it's just they've been more involved in a different part of my becoming.

And Bournemouth. Ugly, grey, dusty Bournemouth - the place I've dashed so many times for being too commercial, or too chavy or too English, will always have a part of me. Because it's where I've grown. It's where I've decided what I really stand for, the kind of person I want to be.

I'm sat in my little room in our crumbly house. It smells like tomatoes today (the smell of whatever's been eaten that day graces my room as it's attached to the kitchen) but it just feels like part of me. All my books and photographs and doodles are decorating this once empty box. It's lovely. I'm calm here. I don't know if I'm ready to be calm at home. Have I wished this year away because I've been so busy trying to get away from some things to realise why I'd want to stay here for others?

And what comes next for me? I haven't applied for journo jobs because I want to save next year for travelling in 2014 and don't want commit to anything. But I want to write. I wouldn't over-share every inch of my being on here if I didn't feel the compulsion to write. I like the way the words roll out of my head and into my hands on the keyboard.It's like therapy. I like the way some words rhyme. I like alliteration. I like that I can express myself. I love how some words, when they are truly felt, can make people cry, make them laugh, and sometimes even change their path.


Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with some pals, amongst them my bestie, Esme. She is the most amazing lady. She is kind and funny and she understands. I just know she's got my back. I know she'll also put me in my place if she thinks I need it. We've had a good three years together, I reckon. I can't imagine what my life would have been without her. I've never felt so certain that a friend will be there to hold my children and I know she'll understand that.


The last few weeks I've been getting this feeling in my gut, like I'm about to do the loop on a rollercoaster. At first I thought it was fear- nerves for my dissertation hand in. Then I thought it was relief. Now I think it's change. My life is going to change a lot very soon. I'm going back home, I'm leaving my independence here. I'm moving away from my friends.  I feel like I'm moving back in time. I'm scared all things will be the same and I'll drop down to somewhere I don't want to be. I'm scared I'll feel lost in the familiar. I'm scared I'll forget to carry on being the driven, strong minded woman I've become and go back to being 18 year old me- unsure of myself and of my future. But then I don't suppose there's an awful lot I can do about that.

That's all for now, Jojo xxx

Would I Lie To You?

Something has gone wrong somewhere here. Somewhere along the line men and women started to lie to each other. Now, I don't know why this happened, I don't know what silly sod thought it was a good idea and I can't attempt to imagine how much confusion it has caused over the years.

In my short life so far, it has made things far more complicated than necessary. Here I shall investigate.

WHY LIE?

The answer to this question depends on what sort of lie your telling. For example, if you're pal has just had a truly hideous hair cut, you might want to make her feel better, considering it's too late to do anything about it.

This is a pity-lie or a compliment-lie. In very few circumstances is this type of lie acceptable. You may be making her happy in the short term but in reality, she's going to know if it's a shit barnet. Also she will think you are stylistically-confused and will never trust your opinion again.

DRUNK LIES

I lie when I'm drunk, I think a lot of people do this partly because they feel their lives aren't interesting enough already. Telling someone you own your own business/you're a model/you're a professional skateboarder is not okay. It will always leave you in sticky situations. For example, when it transpires they know your house mate.

THE OUTCOME

Lying is hard because if you get found out you look so twattish it really is not worth it. Maybe you'll have less 'stories' for I 'have never' but at least you wont have to keep a note of all the lies you tell and try to remember the elaborate details of each anecdote.

WHO LIES?

Everyone. whether it's excuses, white lies, drunk lies or just trying-to-make-yourself-look-cool-lies. We all do it. All I'm saying is we should try and control the extent and quantity of them.So what you're late. What if you just bloody forgot? What if you slept through your alarm? SO BLOODY WHAT? You are only human.

LIES YOU ARE TOLD

Friends lie when they say you don't have bad points.

Parents lie when they say they will not Facebook stalk you.

Boys lie when they say they wont judge you if you fuck on the first date.

Girls lie when they say they don't like attention.

I lied when I said I liked last years Christmas present from my Nanny. (herb themed notebook? where do you even buy this stuff?!)

AND

You lied when you said it wasn't you passing wind in class (sometimes you just can't hold it in)

Anyway, what I'm getting at is everyone does it but why do we lie about some stuff that is just better off said truthfully?

WHEN THE TRUTH SHOULD COME OUT

1) "It's not you its me" -No it is not. It is you, because I don't fancy you any more, how can it be me? How can I make me not find you attractive any more? I can't, it's you. It's just harsh to confuse someone like this. Give them closure, spare them your pity and just tell them why. There's someone else, shit happens. They'll get over it.

2) "I'm not drunk"- You are, you have been drinking and now you are acting weirdly, you are drunk.

3) "I'm always here for you"- this is a really common lie. Yes, you can offer support to a friend whenever you are free, but sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you are in meetings or at work, or you just ignore the call.

4) "I'm never drinking again" - BULL SHIT

5) "I would never lie to you!" - You just did.

I could go on but it's really tedious.

I don't get it when fat people lie about how much they eat. You cannot be that big if you're only eating salad.

Oh, and lies don't have to be in the form of words. Oh no, having a chocolate stash under your bed and only eating leaves in public is lying.

It's pathetic. Everyone likes chocolate. Pretending to your house mates that you didn't eat 5 Mars bars alone in the dark haven of your room last night doesn't mean it actually didn't happen. If you want to be thin just stop fucking eating so much shit and go to the gym. SIMPLES.

That's all for now

Jojo xxx

P.S when someone says you look tired/poorly they just mean you look shit. You look like an uglier version of yourself. You are not attractive today.