THE RULES
1) You absolute must have an opinion on everyone regardless of whether you've ever met them or not. Small Towns without opinions become barren and tumbleweed starts to...well, tumble.
2) You must drink excessively at least three times a week in order to not disappear off the social ladder. In fact, you must actively encourage alcoholism. The Small Town relies on such revelry to sustain it's ecosystem.
3) You must work your little butt off all week long doing hideous shifts for below minimum wage only to shit it up the wall at an overpriced pub, talking the same conversations on rotation to the same selection of locals.
4) You must be hideously two-faced in order to successfully intergrate.
5) Actually, that's not fair. You could be genuinely nice to everyone. But you must accept that people will choose to dislike you anyway and will probably start rumours about you.
6) Settle with the fact that tourists and customers will talk to you like you are thick as shit. Don't you dare mention your degree/ promotion/ trade. That will make you look stuck up.
7) Face facts: If you are so much as seen breathing near a member of the opposite sex people will assume you are shagging.
8) Grit your teeth and smile whilst handing over £8 to get into what can only be described as a urine-odoured pit disguised as a club. Then joyfully hand over £5 for a measly drink in a grimy plastic cup. Dance to 90's music blasting from a shoddy CD player and cheer when the 'DJ' announces that "Stereophonics' 1000 Trees is next!!" .
9) Observe jumped up boys/ 'lads' mindlessly scrap with anything that moves, throwing punches like a drunk baby with autism. The next day you must claim that you were there/involved/saw someone's jaw snap.
10) Let people who buy their entire wardrobe from New Look snigger at you in your flip flops, tee and shorts. You are a fashion disaster and they are pioneering fashionista's, remember?
11) Become pals with someone in the toilet queue only to overhear them later saying that your hair is shit and that you are a horrific person. You are a horrific person, your hair is shit, but you did hear them do a wet fart through the cubicle door so it's all cool.
12) Men are worth more than your dignity. Shamelessly drape yourself over at least four different men and stare daggers at anyone who so much as catches eye contact with them.
13) Don't even think about talking to anyone who has snogged/shagged/texted/waved at anyone you know. In fact to save confusion just stay mute for the night. These places are so incestual it's the best way to avoid a vodka diet coke on your chops.
14) Do not be fooled into thinking that Small Town men are less bitchy than the girls. Boy can these guys gossip and stir the pot. Think Queens with homophobia.
15) If you do manage to find someone you are allowed to fancy, come to terms with the fact that complete strangers have the right to ask you if you are a couple/shagging/what it's like. In order for the Small Town cycle to continue it is imperative that everyone knows your business.
Now, reading this you may think I hate living here. But, despite all these ridiculously laughable unspoken rules and habits, I love it here. I love knowing everyone when I walk in a pub. I love wearing flip flops out. I love finding out which school mate is pregnant. I love seeing the same people every time I'm out. There's something communal about it, it feels safe. If you get paraletic and collapse into the gutter, someone will find you and put you in a cab home, or know your mums number to call her.
Ciao for now
Jojo xxx
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