Distance

Distance is a tricky thing. It can be largely immeasurable in some circumstances. For example, someone can be a long way away but you may feel very close to them still. In another sense someone can be nearby and yet you feel undoubtedly detached and out of touch/reach with them.

My pals Grace and Esme live at opposite ends of the country to me and yet I feel incredibly close to them. Like we are in each others atmospheres still. It's as though as long as we are in each others minds and thoughts the distance just evaporates between us. That's how I feel anyway. I may not know the day to day goings on but I do know that if anything important should happen the miles and motorways would be irrelevant. 

 It's more of a hunger, I suppose, when things are romantically involved. It's a more dangerous feeling. A fear of being lost or forgotten, of distance changing what you built. 

It's funny how complex it can become missing someone. It's almost as though they are a figment of your imagination. There is nothing physical left of them. Only memories of their existence stand as evidence and even those can seem to fade and change and dissolve in your mind. 

When I think about someone who I have lost I can imagine them in my mind in a sort of passive way, but when I try to think about what their hair looked like that day, or try to picture their whole face, it goes blurry. I worry that one day all I will have left will be echo's of memories that were never renewed. Left to lose their colour like a picture in sunlight.

Sometimes you can feel the distance growing. Like you are connected by crepe paper and it's slowly tearing and falling away. And you know it's all too fragile to be reckless with. It's too flimsy to grab onto and pull back at. That's the worst kind of distance. The distance that chokes you up. When you can feel it happening but you can't save it. No matter how much it means to you.

Sometimes distance makes you miss someone more. Other times it can sap your energy and you become too tired. Too bored of it and too aware of the affect it can have on you. Like your brain tells you from experience that it isn't worth the mental head-work of ploughing through the day thinking about that person and wishing they were with you. 

Mostly I wish there wasn't distance at all. Mostly I wish I could have everyone near me. Mostly I wish death didn't happen, or at least that I were more prepared for it. 

But I suppose, regardless of what I wish or hope or feel there is very little I can do about the outcome. In the end, distance kind of does at it pleases regardless of how it makes you feel. Like a selfish ex-boyfriend or the Welsh weather or my bank balance.

That's all for now,

Jojo xxx