Feeling a bit on my todd as of late. I'm not talking serious stuff, just a cuddle wouldn't go a miss every now and again.
I'm always a bit weird about talking about this kind of stuff but had a chat with an intoxcated flatmate last night and managed to get it all out.
I'm bored of being single, I'm not very good at it and I am not cool. I can't swish past guys making them drop their drinks just to stare after me.
I can't be normal when talking to a vaguely attractive guy, I normally end up revealing my entirely bizarre self before I have a chance to show them I'm actually just a little eccentric.
The girls and I went out for food last night and I felt a little airy, like I wasn't really enjoying what should have been a lovely night.
I came home feeling pissed off, and craving what I needed least, ice cream and chick flicks.
Today I woke up feeling all feministic and positive, I went to the gym and worked so hard I was sick in the toilets and felt faint all the way home, swaying and not being able to concentrate on anything.
But I felt so good for having got out a bit of pent up frustration .
I had a very out of character and extremely intoxicated fumble with a coursemate recently which, to be honest made me feel a bit sick the next day. Not in a 'eww he's disgusting' way, more of a 'that's not me, why did I do it?' kinda way.
A bit disturbingly I think it's something to do with human contact. With having skin on skin.
But it was wierd, especially as I can remember only snapshots of the evening, with leaving the flat being my first blank.
I miss lying in bed with nothing on, next to someone and just feeling content. I miss having a face that makes me smile that isn't one of my beautiful friends. I miss snuggling on the sofa with a film knowing full well I wont watch more than the opening credits.
I miss regular sex, a lot. I have an annoyingly high sex drive for someone who just isn't into one night stands.
I've even tried avoiding aphodisiac foods. It's that bad.
But it isn't just sex I miss, it's more another branch off my social web, a boy branch, a strong branch that isn't intergrated into the rest of my already fairly disfunctional life.
I want someone to see me at my best and think its brilliant, and to see me at my worst but not really mind. A lot to ask I know.
But I know it's possible. I have, believe it or not, been adored before now.
That's all I can bring myself to divulge today. Back to Blink 182 and my overactive mind.
JoJo x
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