Summer's coming!

I Cannot believe how fast this uni year has gone. It's absolutely unreal that I will no longer be living in these shitty digs in a month or so.
I'll be sad to say goodbye though.

The sun is starting to peek through the clouds these days which is such a lovely feeling. Things are looking up and I can start looking at my flipflops again.
This summer will be a strange one. A lot has changed since this time last year. I'm single, I've lived away from home and I have a sense of belonging neither at home nor here quite yet. I'm in transition.
Friendships at home have in some instances dissintergrated completely and in others grown stronger, proving to be loyal.

When I go home for easter I think I'll find it especially wierd because one of me best friends has gone travelling and she was my solid at home. I'll probably still walk her dog, Milly, where we used to- across Tenby south beach, the sea fighting with the tide for territory.

There will be a lot of revision going on after my first failiure in a law exam and a lot of chilling out with the crew- drinkng beer and catching up on lives we forgot about. We normally have nice easters where I live, there's often a week or so of warm weather, ruined only by the cold wind.

Jane will have her annual garden party and we'll eat barbeque food and listen to chillout. It's times like that I really appreciate my home town.
A hangover cure at home is a walk on the beach laughing histerically at the previous nights happenings and being completely incapable to do anything but squint at the sunlight.

I've had a resolution, to care more, to care more about my uni work and care more about how I see myself. To stop feeling like I dont fit and just relax. To get amongst it, to breath in the atmosphere and mood of every single day.

I think too much sometimes. I was in town with a flatmate the other day and he mentioned that I think a lot about everything. And he's right, I over think, I get so lost in details and moments and actions that I can never just let life drift around me. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to wake up and regret how much I missed that I absorb everything and try and consume it.

That particular flatmate has just got that texture about him that makes you feel relaxed and makes you know that it's all genuine, it's straight up and there's nothing to hide. A secrets a secret, a truths a truth, a joke is a joke. A quality I wish I saw in more people. He's a friend I realy value even thought we aren't super close.

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm ready to start getting things done, to make headway, to try in assignments, to feel reward and not just relief when I hand in work. To feel I'm making the most of what I've been so blessed to have.

Me and my Dad are nearly friends aswell. We've had an extremely rocky relationship since I was about ten and things have progressivley worsened, through bitterness and my incompetence to forgive and forget.
I remember a time when he came to pick me up on a Tuesday-his day, and lying straight up saying I had work to do. I never clocked the sadness on his face that day until last week, when I woke in a sweat.
Having been rejected by your own flesh and blood, your little girl. To see so much hate in a 13 year old me. And to have to say "okay, I'll see you soon" and walk away, get into your van and leave, knowing that what you did can never be truly fixed. To know you aren't wanted is hideous.

Although what he did was wrong, I still can't help but regret that moment sincerely.

But things are getting better, the awkwardness of pretending everything is okay is slipping away each time I see him. The truth isn't so hard to show and my outspoken behaviour around him isn't so shocking anymore. I think he's starting to see my character and how I function now. How I think and act. what I find funny, what I like to do and see. It's something that should have been achieved a long time ago, but I don't know a family that isn't dysfunctional.

I'm happy with who I am, I know that I'm honest and kind. I know I don't hold back but I never try to offend. I'm out of the shadows and adjusting to the light.

JoJo xx