Feeling Like Hagrid in a Child's Swimming Costume

suspected reaction to mirror today

I am not someone who enjoys shopping. I am not someone who enjoys being among large groups of shuffling people all desperate to spend their hard earned cash on something that they will no longer like in 2 months time.

BUT. I do adore underwear. I love how it can make you feel, even if no-one else gets to see it.
So, this morning, I decided to brave the city in search of a beautiful lingerie set. I'm quite picky when it comes to underwear, I like subtle-sexy, not tacky-sexy, (bright pink/red and black is a combo I will never understand). It needs to be comfortable, flattering, supportive and make me want to walk to the shops in nothing but my kegs and a pair of heels.

I knew from the off that I wasn't going to bother even flirting with the idea of the flimsy Topshop bras that seem to be made of 30 year old hanky material, and that although Primark and Newlook may be affordable and have a great range, I wanted something that was going to last more than a month without the under-wiring stabbing into me with the vigour of a sado-masichistic dungeon.

So I was prepared to spend some money on a good, sexy bra that would stand the test of time. I went to several mid-range shops including Calvin Klein, Beaux Avenue and John Lewis, all of which were successful in making me feel like the disregarded, unloved lumpy pillow in the spare room.

I am not a big girl by any stretch of the imagination but it's really quite ridiculous the amount of pants that made me feel I had reached middle age over night. Things didn't sit in the right place, the pants always seemed to be either too high or too minimal - parts of my body showing that only my shower and my toilet should ever see. It really was a stressful activity. Especially with the inane "Was that set any good?" "Can I get you a different size?" ( A different size body? Oh yes that would be fabulous, and a completely different shape please as well if you've got it? This one just isn't doing it for me).

I have never felt so completely repulsed by myself as I have done today. What is it about changing rooms?! Is it because you pick something so perfectly delicate and beautiful off the shelf, and when placed on the canvas that is your body it looks like an ugly bit of 1980's architecture? Is it because I am a 32D  and the bra's simply weren't created with anything over an A cup in mind? Is it because I ate today?

I must have tried on 20 sets, all equally divine on the shop floor. I was sure I was going to feel that sexy, confident glow in each and every one of them, my biggest worry would be deciding which I would spend my money on. And when the first one made me look like a busty beer wench, I wasn't going to be deterred. The 4th set of pants, when worn on top of my own, made me look at least five times wobblier, the light and angle of the mirror focusing my eyes around my middle. It was okay, I thought, I WILL find the right set. After around the 15th set I walked out of a shop defeated, I think I even physically raised my head to the heavens in defeat. But I pulled myself together and went back in, determined to not lose this battle.

However, set 20 was the final straw - I nearly cried putting my tights back on for the 22nd time and left. Enough was enough. below is a list of the things underwear made me feel like today:

1) Middle Aged (I'm talking post 12 babies and with a biscuit addiction)
2) Rotund
3) Hagrid (why does everything look so tiny in comparison to me? I'm sure I have not had an Alice in Wonderland-type encounter and grown to 5 times my normal size)
4) Defeated
5) 1980's bad architecture
6) Unsexy
7) Confused at how I ever managed to purchase a single set of underwear ever before now.
8) Deluded (do I just have a very flattering mirror and a very blind boyfriend?)
9) Frustrated
10) Large
11) Worried

And I am sure that I have a better figure than lots of women out there, and I know that I think that lots of my friends that are bigger than me look beautiful in underwear, but today, today was a NIGHTMARE.

This is a post that talks about how sometimes, you just feel like shit. And tomorrow, I may wake up and feel like Rosie Huntington-Whitely. But today, just like everyone else does from time to time, I feel like shit.


Also I miss my boyfriend. WAHHHH.

That's all for now
JoJo
xxx