The Inevitable Goodbye

Last night I took my Manfriend to the airport. He is now in the air somewhere heading back to Australia. It's a strange feeling, that letting go of someone feeling. It made me feel anxious all day, my heart doing double time, then half time then triple time on an inconsistent  loop. It made me feel sick and uneasy and breathless.

I of course indulged in the cliche of being the teary girlfriend at the airport bidding farewell to her lover. I think I did it quite well, although refusing to let go may have been a bit much.
The physical act of  letting go of someone had the equal effect on my metaphorical brain. I felt something tear inside and it brought on the automatic desperation to try and hold it together, grasping at the sides of the fraying material in vain.
It was that feeling of helplessness that got me the most, the walking back to the car and knowing there was nothing to do but to accept the defeat of the air rushing into the now broken vacuum where once there was impermeable love and safety.

And I woke up today feeling out of place, feeling a bit wonky and unsettled. This feeling I'm sure will grow in time. I am in anticipation of missing someone, knowing that it's dark sticky residue is creeping round my bedroom door, slowly working it's way towards my toes that are sticking out of my bed, and will soon enough consume me entirely, so that it's heavy and hard to walk.

But it's not all doom and gloom, I am lucky enough to have the capacity to feel like this on letting someone go. I am lucky enough to have loved and be loved in return, in a way that is so reckless and risky. But not reckless or risky at all, because I had faith in it's safety and strength. So I'm winning really, in some backwards kind of way.

I moved up to Cardiff at the start of September and have got a nice little job in a bar with lovely colleagues and managers. In fact I am going out with them tonight on my self-named "Heartbreak Bender" which will be lovely. So for now I'm just going to keep saving my pennies and making new pals and missing my man.

That's all for now,

JoJo xxx