It's nine days until I leave for home, you see. It's a terrifying feeling, this one. I've built a life here now - with friends who understand the new version of my self, who have seen me shift and move and transcend into my current state.
When I get home no-one will have this context. Maybe no-one will quite understand it, or me, or us any more.
How am I supposed to fit back into my old life? I'm not the same shape that I was. Shit, I'm not even in the same bloody puzzle.
The last few months have been a truly special time for me. I have explored a bit of this beautiful country. I have laughed until it hurt, almost everyday. I've moved to a busier, more exciting part of town and have been lucky enough to be surrounded by incredible people, who have offered me love and friendship, regardless of my ever-looming expiry date here.
I have found myself in friendships that I genuinely believe will last a lifetime. With people who I feel I was destined to meet. People who have supported me and helped me to heal. Never failing to love me or to offer me a bed for the night when things have been hard.
But more than that. People who see the real me - past the 'I'm okay, everything is fine' pretences. Beyond the self depreciative digs and the distraction techniques. People who have the ability look into my soul, to see all my secrets when they look into my eyes. And when I know that they're onto me, I instantly start to heal.
I know that when I get home everything will be fine. Everything will shuffle and slide back into place eventually. But maybe that's what I'm scared of - returning to the life I left. To feeling cramped and lost and uncertain. To feeling like the world was just going to swallow me up without even leaving a mark.
I want to do something good. I want to leave evidence of my existence. I don't want to feel my fate is to be only vaguely successful. I want to grow in my writing, I want to explore and expose myself to things that can enrich me and inspire me.
I know it's down to me, and that hard work is what leads to such successes, but I often felt I was being washed beneath the waves of the world in the UK. Like London's fiery snarl and Wales' drowning stillness would quietly extinguish me and all my hopes and aspirations.
When I graduated I sat in a hotel room with some of my best friends and we played a game. Someone asks a question - for example - 'who is most likely to become famous?' and then everyone closes their eyes and points at the person they think matches the criteria. Then everyone opens their eyes and you all laugh and it's just great to be alive, isn't it?
We are playing this game and someone says 'who do you think will be the least successful?' (which, to be honest, I was kind of horrified at. Bit of a mood killer don't you think?). So I closed my eyes and pointed to myself. I opened them to see everyone else had pointed at me too.
I laughed it off, but I wanted to cry. Graduation was supposed to be the best day of my life. I'd worked so hard to get there, and now here were all my friends, expecting me to fail. Those people were, and still are, incredible friends to me and I know that there was no malice in their actions, it was just an unfortunate situation. But I think I lost a lot of confidence in that moment. I think I became instantly terrified to fail. And still am. I still wish no-one had asked that sharp question and I still desperately wish I had opened my eyes to a different scenario.
But maybe that confidence will come back in time. Maybe I'll become confident in my writing and my abilities to succeed. Maybe I'll be brave enough to take a risk and maybe that will pay off. Maybe.
Australia has not been the best year of my life. In fact, there have been some very dark times here for me. Times that made me wonder if I'd ever really be happy again. Times that have changed me forever. But it has seen me grow and evolve and toughen up. It's seen me become more independent and resistant. It's seen me learn what it is to 'bounce back', and that, really, there's no 'bouncing' involved - it's more like dragging the limp weight of your body up a cliff.
However, Australia has also brought me love and friendship and adventure. It's brought me excitement and light and happiness. I guess it's brought me exactly what I needed. And I will never forget the kindness of others I have experienced here. It literally takes my breath away to think how god damn lucky I have been to encounter the people I have. I will be eternally grateful to them.
I am sincerely heartbroken to leave, but so grateful that I ever got to be here.
And the next chapter begins.
All for now,
JoJo
x
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