Out of the Darkness

Last night I didn't dream of falling, which is kind of a bloody big deal. I did, however, dream of being in a female insane asylum, where some lady's multiple personality actually turned into another person, its skinny body formed on her bottom bunk with lank hair and emaciated skin. But swings and roundabouts - I guess there's still some dark stuff lurking in there.

When I wrote my last post, I found myself at what is sometimes referred to as 'the bottom'. The overwhelming feeling of being alone was suffocating. Luckily for me I have some beautiful humans in my life, who rolled their sleeves up, pulled their hair back and dove head-first into the thick, bitter, syrupy darkness I was sinking in, and helped me to swim to the surface, all the time showing me  that the 'me' I thought was gone, had simply got a little lost. The boot is now off and I've been told to apply a little weight through the foot, with about another month to go before I'll be walking. The end is still a little way off, but knowing this is the last leg of the race is very encouraging. 

Looking forward, I will be moving JoJo Goes Public to a snazzy new website with all my old posts on as well as new ones, so keep an eye out that. I will also be working from home, writing blogs and other copy for small businesses, whilst laying the foundations for my dream job as an outdoor activity instructor - something that I was once told to forget after the accident, but am now reassured I can still achieve (with a bit of patience and hard work getting my foot back to normal). So, things are suddenly a lot less dreary than they seemed not so long ago. It's amazing what a few encouraging words and a change in perspective can do. 

So, this is just a short post to say thank-you to everyone who sent nice messages or called or wrote me a letter or sent a card. It was pretty special to receive such a supportive response for what could have seemed a very self-indulgent post. It was really reassuring to know how many people had felt exactly the same way, and how they had come out on the sunnier side of it.

Thank you to my wonderful friends who understood my crazy, desperate mood was my way of communicating that I felt lost and alone, and for not just ignoring it because it might have been an uncomfortable beast to square up to. Thanks for knowing how much I hate to admit I'm struggling, and how far down I had sunk to write a whole bloody blog post about it. Thanks for understanding that I have once again left my heart in Australia, and how much harder this injury has been because of that.

The roller-coaster of the last two months is not one I want to ride again, but it is no doubt a testament to all the incredible people I have around me, holding me up when my wonky foot can't.

I'm looking forward to a year of regaining my strength and working towards a happy and fulfilling future, as well as attempting to repay all the kindness shown to me in this strange and challenging time.

JoJo 

x 

Take Me To The Sea, It Knows Me Well

Since being back home I've felt a little colder. Not due to the twenty degree temperature drop, but to my hardened sense of self. I know that this is a product of a somewhat emotionally difficult year, and it unnerves me. It makes me like myself less.

I hate feeling that coldness inside, it's icy touch creeping all over my little heart. I have this feeling that maybe I will never really be the same again, that this is one of those things that happens as you grow up that makes the world seem a little less easy, that makes life seem a little bit more fragile. I have always been resilient, in the sense that I have always been able to see the other side, to know that the other side is inevitable. And I still feel that. I just haven't crested the monstrous hill yet.

The months following my return have been so bloody busy that I have hardly had a single evening to myself. I've crammed my days with work, and my evenings too. I've been running and going to classes and applying for jobs. Recently, due to a project reaching it's climax, I have found myself with more time on my hands. And I've realised that all that busyness was a somewhat calculated plan on my behalf - if I was busy, then I wouldn't have to face what was stirring up inside me. Now I can see that the dark thing that was once an iceberg is still near-freezing water, burning at my insides. And now that I am forced to look at it, I'm scared it will flare up again, spurred on by the cold winds of my focus. I'm scared that it will bring down all the work I have done, piecing myself together.

I have never been so afraid of my own darkness. I have never wanted to run away from something, but I really, really don't want to spend any more time trying to defrost. It exhausts me, it takes my breath from me.

Things in Cardiff are slow, in a hectic, busy way. In an everyone-rushing-about way. I find it harder to meditate here.In an unrewarding way. I find myself checking my phone instead of checking my feelings. I find myself surrounded by consumerism, waves of sales and plastic bags and statement hats.

All I really want is heavy, powerful, pure waves of water rushing and crashing over and around me.

The water and I have this special thing. It's something I think people who have grown up around water share. I went back to Pembrokeshire on the weekend and I took a chilly dip in the icy sea, my swimming costume clinging to my goose-bumped skin, the wind rushing around me, pinking my cheeks. I only swam for a few minutes, but I felt instantly calm. Instantly cleansed. Instantly closer to myself. My soul came home and I was able to see through the fuzzy, white noise that has been plaguing my mind for so long.

I whispered a thank you to the water and got out. I changed and sat in a cave watching the water gently stroke the sand, like a lover stroking a cheek. I was able to think in linear. I was able to stare and I settled within. I was able to get lost in the magic of that enormous being.

My whole body buzzed for hours afterwards, and I remembered how much I needed the sea. How much I was magnetised and hypnotised by it.

I am returning to Pembrokeshire, to the sea, where I can submerge my body in the water, submit my mind to it's power.
Because life just feels better with it by my side.

JoJo