Saturday, 28 May 2011

Riding Solo.

Singlesville is a strange place.
After being committed for over a year (unthinkably long for my previously commitment-phobe self) I'm back in the big scary world of rejection, bum grabs and nights alone.
I think it may be insensitive to go into details about the actual break up so I'm gunna stick with it was mutual, it was civil and there was a lot of tears (from me).

Being on my own has not been at all as I'd expected. Well, I did expect to be sad and I did expect to be lonely and those expectations are now reality but I did think I'd get that 'free' feeling. The 'single and ready to mingle' type of feelings. But I haven't.

I've felt scared shitless of lots of things including just going to uni and having to talk to people about it and explain and smile and laugh along like I normally would. But all the while I've been undergoing intervals of fighting back tears and zoning out and just wanting to be in my bed with the light off slowly saturating my pillow with salty tears.

That sounds ridiculously dramatic but I'm being honest. The first day I came home and cried for about 6 hours. Who knew that was possible?

I've felt panicked a lot of the time. Panic of whether it was the right decision or how I was ever going to brave night clubs again. The jungle of Singleville is scarier than I could have predicted.

I know that things will be easier and its not like I just cry and sit listening to Dido playing a tiny violin to myself all day. (although I did put Dido on for a while and then realised I was the cliche of all cliches, clutching photos of myself and him gasping through snot filled sniffles.)

I've been excited about going home for the Summer, seeing my mummy and my friends, rediscovering my love of bizarre fashion and reading through diaries in bed with endless amounts of tea and guilty pleasure television (Glee, Gossip Girl, Big Cook Little Cook etc).

But I went out last night and I felt strange. I over-compensated for my fears with alcohol resulting in slurring and making new best friend's with virtually anyone in the toilets. I danced with boys but not in a sexy way, in a childs birthday party way, and even that I felt guilty for.

Our pals Turks and Ross came back and we played drinking games with straight rum and I bent Ross' ear off whining about the break up and god knows what else for about and hour and a half and then went to sleep.

My pubes are spiralling out of control by the way, I only noticed this morning, but I know I wont be wanting any action for a long time so I'm planning a trim and not a full on session. (partly because I'd have to put aside a whole day for the job)

I went for dinner with my grandparents tonight and halfway through vomit jumped up my throat, my mouth filled with saliva and I was unbearably hot. SHIT. Hangover hell was about to erupt into my butternut squash soup.
I sat very still and sipped some water, completely ignoring whatever it was I was being told and I felt it slowly subside back into my stomach. Phew. Saved.

It's now nearly 2am and I'm not quite over my hangover. But I have had a bit of an epiphany.

I think I need to stop thinking 'I wish he was here' 'I wish was allowed to call him and text him whenever' and start realising that I'm ridiculously lucky that I've still got my best friend, even though he's not my boyfriend any more and unlikely to want to resume best pal status any time soon.
I've gone through a break-up that could have ended horribly but instead there was no hard feelings but cuddles and talks of good times.

And although I'm feeling like I'm in a foreign country, naked and with no map at least there's signs of life and the hope that there are better things to come.

My relationship was full of love and trust and laughs and I don't think I'd rather go out in flames, kicking and screaming. I'm quite happy to let the feelings slowly fade away knowing that I will always have fond memories.

Cringe-ville is over. And I haven't done a soppy emotion spilling blog in a long time, so no complaining! And try to snigger and scoff discreetly.

That's all for now
From the unstable, shit scared, but ready to face the music, Jojo xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment