Hand Grenades Humiliation and Hangovers.

Last night. Wow. Just wow.

What began as me being persuaded to come to pre-drinks for a friends birthday turned into what I can only describe as a black hole of embarrassment.

If I were to explain the night in 5 words they would be:

Vodka

Merlot

Jaeger

Falling

Sick

If I were to explain today in 5 words they would be:

Today

Has

Been

No

Fun

Firstly, I should point out that I am NEVER sick, like never (obviously that is a lie because I was sick, but I mean I'm hardly ever sick) and it transpires that I was sick last night. Twice. In the kitchen sink.

The fact that I A) didn't remember it and B) didn't believe it really does set the scene for the state that I was in. After half an hour of being out me and a pal found ourselves unexplainably on our own. How does that happen? How do you leave a pub with 9 other people and lose them in the space of what? 3 minutes?

I do not remember anything else. I think I was home by half twelve. How does that come to be?

How can that happen? Also, no-one ever thinks I'm drunk, apparently I'm quite normal when insanely mullered. This should be a blessing and I am glad that I don't suffer from the humiliating photo tagging but it also means everything I say or do is perceived to be level headed choices.

Today I have done nothing but whine and gag and act irrational. I fell asleep in my housemates bed mid conversation. I've drunk enough water to fill a bath. I haven't washed. I smell like tequila and vomit. It's now nearly midnight and I am still inconsolably ill.

No more drinking until Graces birthday. Also very excited for Dublin this weekend to see Howza and to see Barbie on Thursday. Hmm...I can't imagine being able to get away with not drinking this week.

My soul just shrivelled like a grape-to-raisin transition at the thought of bloody Guiness.

And to add insult to injury today it was assumed by my peers that I had a one night stand last night. Because that is just so my style. (sarcasm)

JOG ON I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY.

Oh goody my shoes are mouldy again. I just love damp. Really, it is so incredible. Who knew how fast it can breed and spread to all my possessions. It's times like this I wish I still lived at home. What I would give for a warm room and mould free footwear.

Grumpfest over.

That's all for now

Jojo xxx

p.s never go spinning 5 days in a row and then wear heels, as if I wasn't like Bambi on ice as it is. My knees continued to buckle all evening. It's just such a hard life.

Would I Lie To You?

Something has gone wrong somewhere here. Somewhere along the line men and women started to lie to each other. Now, I don't know why this happened, I don't know what silly sod thought it was a good idea and I can't attempt to imagine how much confusion it has caused over the years.

In my short life so far, it has made things far more complicated than necessary. Here I shall investigate.

WHY LIE?

The answer to this question depends on what sort of lie your telling. For example, if you're pal has just had a truly hideous hair cut, you might want to make her feel better, considering it's too late to do anything about it.

This is a pity-lie or a compliment-lie. In very few circumstances is this type of lie acceptable. You may be making her happy in the short term but in reality, she's going to know if it's a shit barnet. Also she will think you are stylistically-confused and will never trust your opinion again.

DRUNK LIES

I lie when I'm drunk, I think a lot of people do this partly because they feel their lives aren't interesting enough already. Telling someone you own your own business/you're a model/you're a professional skateboarder is not okay. It will always leave you in sticky situations. For example, when it transpires they know your house mate.

THE OUTCOME

Lying is hard because if you get found out you look so twattish it really is not worth it. Maybe you'll have less 'stories' for I 'have never' but at least you wont have to keep a note of all the lies you tell and try to remember the elaborate details of each anecdote.

WHO LIES?

Everyone. whether it's excuses, white lies, drunk lies or just trying-to-make-yourself-look-cool-lies. We all do it. All I'm saying is we should try and control the extent and quantity of them.So what you're late. What if you just bloody forgot? What if you slept through your alarm? SO BLOODY WHAT? You are only human.

LIES YOU ARE TOLD

Friends lie when they say you don't have bad points.

Parents lie when they say they will not Facebook stalk you.

Boys lie when they say they wont judge you if you fuck on the first date.

Girls lie when they say they don't like attention.

I lied when I said I liked last years Christmas present from my Nanny. (herb themed notebook? where do you even buy this stuff?!)

AND

You lied when you said it wasn't you passing wind in class (sometimes you just can't hold it in)

Anyway, what I'm getting at is everyone does it but why do we lie about some stuff that is just better off said truthfully?

WHEN THE TRUTH SHOULD COME OUT

1) "It's not you its me" -No it is not. It is you, because I don't fancy you any more, how can it be me? How can I make me not find you attractive any more? I can't, it's you. It's just harsh to confuse someone like this. Give them closure, spare them your pity and just tell them why. There's someone else, shit happens. They'll get over it.

2) "I'm not drunk"- You are, you have been drinking and now you are acting weirdly, you are drunk.

3) "I'm always here for you"- this is a really common lie. Yes, you can offer support to a friend whenever you are free, but sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you are in meetings or at work, or you just ignore the call.

4) "I'm never drinking again" - BULL SHIT

5) "I would never lie to you!" - You just did.

I could go on but it's really tedious.

I don't get it when fat people lie about how much they eat. You cannot be that big if you're only eating salad.

Oh, and lies don't have to be in the form of words. Oh no, having a chocolate stash under your bed and only eating leaves in public is lying.

It's pathetic. Everyone likes chocolate. Pretending to your house mates that you didn't eat 5 Mars bars alone in the dark haven of your room last night doesn't mean it actually didn't happen. If you want to be thin just stop fucking eating so much shit and go to the gym. SIMPLES.

That's all for now

Jojo xxx

P.S when someone says you look tired/poorly they just mean you look shit. You look like an uglier version of yourself. You are not attractive today.

Freshers, Final Year and Fuck Ups

j
So here we are, it's all happened so fast. Our final year is upon us after 2 sets of getting fat over Christmas, getting thin over Summer and getting wasted in between.

I feel strangely reminiscent today, like I've suddenly understood that these years may be the best of our lives. And that we'll look back at them with regrets that we didn't savour every second. But heinsight is such a tricky thing. Who knows if today will be important or if it will slip through our memories without leaving a trace? You can't live always trying to squeeze fun out of everything. Trying to make every moment comical or interesting or dramatic. Sometimes the most simple and even boring things are the ones that leave the most beautiful marks.

The end of the first week of freshers is upon us and we have all failed to muster up the excitement and sheer stamina of a first year. We are no longer able to do two maybe three nights in a row. We have some reservation within us now. We know we'll suffer for it and sometimes that puts us off.

I can't say I've had the best week. It's been a stew of emotions for me. Coming back to reality after Summer and London has been really hard to get my head around. Seeing my ex for the first time since the split in May is strange. He's someone I've never known in a platonic way so trying to figure out the logistics of this new situation is hard. I'm so used to kissing him. And I don't regret the split, it's just hard getting to grips with this friendship we've got to have now which is a binary opposite of what I'm used to.

It's exciting being in my new house with my pals and I know we are going to have such a good year. We are all so different.

Soph is the Essex girl, glamorous, giggly and ditzy, Ruby the bizarre mother type who somehow still manages to get paraletic after a few drinks but has the biggest heart in the world. Grace an introvert with a flare for music, who can spend days at a time in her 'cave' as we've now called it. And me, it's always strange trying to perceive yourself as others do. I think I'm probably the brash one of the group with a dry sense of humour and a love for everything odd. but who knows, I could be the boring one who farts a lot. Which is also accurate, worryingly.

If I want one thing from this year, it's to feel confident and happy. To do well in my dissertation and for all my friends to be at peace with themselves and the world. Oh and to sack off twat-ish arseholes.

Also I'm so out of touch with the dating world. I mean I don't want to be dating but I feel like I need to kiss a boy in a club. I don't know why, but everyone seems to know how to do it and I have no idea. Like I've tried smiling at people but I must look really stare-y and creepy cause nothing comes of it.

I actually saw a gorgeous man in a club last week and he came over to dance with me and I just started sweating profusely and I couldn't speak. He went to hold my hand and he pretty much slipped off me I was so clammy.

I'm so nervous, I don't know what to say or do. I'm not a grinder that's for sure. fuck knows what will come of me. I might just be a lezza; at least girls are interesting.

I like my house and I love my room. It's so cosy and lovely. I want a picture of Pembrokeshire on my wall on canvas. There's a perfect space for it and I think it will look gorgeous.

I start work tomorrow in a pub nearby and I'm excited to be making some sort of money. Everything I earn I'm going to try and save for travelling with my gorgeous friend Tess. I love her so much and can't wait to see the world with her.

I have lots to look forward to this year. I'm going to Barcelona with Mum in April as a belated 21st birthday present ( I'm a February baby) and I'm going to visit my pal Howza in Ireland who I bloody miss. I'm hoping for a visit from Jammy and a few others. Biki is coming in December before she embarks on another wander round the world.

I have so many amazing people in my life and I'm so, so grateful. All of my close friends have such different and amazing qualities, but they are all so loyal. I've only recently discovered how important it is to know that your friends will put their heads under a train for you. And that you would do the same for them.

I know I'm going to grow old surrounded by so many colourful and interesting people. And that's why being in 'love' or finding 'The One' has become so trivial to me. I've got more than that. I have the love of all my best friends and that's more than a lot of people will ever get.

I hate that I upset a certain chap this Summer. He's been a pal of mine since we sat by each other in Mr. Swancott's chemistry class and I really don't want to lose his friendship. I hope it will be fixed in time.

That's all for now.

JoJo xxx

The Big Smoke

I've just begun my second week in the great city of London doing work experience at Loaded magazine. I have really enjoyed it so far, it's just the heat on the tubes and the way that everyone's strangers to each other. I miss human contact. I miss Wales and the friendly atmosphere and the smiles. I miss the accent. I miss boys with curly hair, it's such a gorgeous Welsh trait.

I miss the sea. A lot. I miss the smell of salt and sun cream and cow shit.

London has been a real experience this time as I'm staying at my lovely friend Jane's house and she's not here. I feel strangely safe here though, tucked away in the single room. Maybe that's why; its so small it feels like your have a cwtch.

It's fashion week here and now I know why people jump in front of things. Coming home from work today I was stood on the tube between 4 nigh-on 6ft models, all approximately the width of neck. I was wearing leggings. I have stubby legs as it is. I felt rotund. It's the only word that properly creates the image of how I felt. ROTUND. This is no life to live. I scurried off at my stop like a little piggy and swore never to eat again.

I'm starting to understand why people love the city though. It's always busy, there's always something to look at or listen to. You're never truly alone here.

I'm dying to get back to Bournemouth though, my little cosy cave room is waiting for me and I want to see my housemates and my friends and my gorgeous van.

I can't wait to get to the gym, to be proud of my body again, to be able to bear myself in pants in the mirror again.

I like this cover. I hope you do too. Such a gorgeous voice

That's all for now

Jojo xxx

Yo Yiggety.

Last weekend I went to Boardmasters with three of my pals and it was just the best weekend ever. We got up to so much mischief and I laughed so much I lost my voice (no, really). I'm not gunna write some cliche 'what I did on my holiday' entry. I'm just going to say I had an amazing time, chilling and going mental at the same time. Has topped off this beaut of a Summer.

I really don't know why it's been so good, I've been working loads and I've still got no money 'cause of rent but I just feel so free and happy and simple.

Not as in window licker simple, as in just life is simple.

I've been with the friends that mean the world to me, who have no interest in drama or aggro. I've been on the beach loads had a few surfs, had a few drinks, had more than a few laughs.

I love only having to think about me and my close few. I love having the freedom to just go away for a day and not tell anyone where I am. I love being able to swim in the sea everyday. I love the simple things in life.

I've put on a shed load of weight since my gym membership ran out a few weeks ago but I don't care, I feel good.

My morning job is chamber-maiding, which in short means cleaning peoples shit stains off toilets and hand picking pubes from the shower cubicle floors. As you can imagine it's not ideal on any given day but with a hangover it is as close to Satan that I've ever been. WHY DO PEOPLE POO ON THE SEAT? Is it something people enjoy doing on holiday? Is there some breed of human who deem it as fun?? If there is, bring back the hollocaust.

No offence to Jews. I'm pretty sure they didn't deserve it the first time round.

In September I get to move into a house with my three best friends in uni. Our house is beyond small. We don't have a lounge/dining room, instead we have what would have been a tiny single room upstairs, about as far away from the kitchen as you could get. But I couldn't care less. We are paying cheap rates for south coast rent and we get to cosy up together in our own little girl world.

We are all but one single and I predict sexy men on the fridge within the first week of arriving. PENIS.

I've got work this evening and I feel like I belong in a wheelchair. My legs are fucked my back is fucked, my face has seen better days and my voice is nearly gone. Ah well Steamdog Millionaire (drunk) on Wednesday. Yeeewwwww.

My home bestie Biki has booked a one way flight to Asia and is heading back out into the world of magic mushrooms, riots and holes in the ground for toilets in January. I shouldn't be bothered really because I'm back in Bournemouth by September but I just don't want her to be so far away. She's been like my left boob this year: always there jiggling abound getting in the way. (please note: right boob does the same).

She's made me laugh so much and we never fall out, with us it seems to be so easy. Whether we're sat in silence drinking tea, crying with laughter on a walk or flailing about the streets of Pembrokeshire with a few too many shandies in us. (Biki actually drinks shandies because she is a LEGEND...?) we always seem to be having a sweet time.

Anyway best be off. No carbs start tomorrow otherwise I'm not getting a smooch all Summer. Which is apparently illegal in 20 year old female world. Although I've not exactly had my lips worn out so far this season. Enough! enough detail and inuendos. Just to clarify I meant face lips. Not...well... you know.

That's all for now.

Joan Of Arc.

xx

xx

I DON'T WANOOO...

...go to work! I just don't wanoo. why is it that work is the one thing you will dread and yet is the one thing that rewards you for your input?

Other things that I DON'T WANOO do are:

1) have periods, and why should I have to buy tampons? It's not some consumer materialistic indulgence. NHS I say.

2) Think about the complex world of boys. I wish they would just know when to go away and when to come back.

3)Pay off my overdraft, it's just a ridiculous thing to have to do, isn't it?

4) Clean the bath before I get in it. just no.

5) Offer to make everyone tea when I'm making one. Although I do like it when I am not the one by the kettle.

6) Pay for my van that insists on breaking every other week.

7)Think about dissertations. *runs away screaming*

8) Did I mention hideous soul-destroying FUCKING PERIODS?!

Today could be categorised as dull-average. I saw Biki and I bought a tee-shirt bra (Zzzz) and a black top for work (WHAT IS THE POINT?!I didn't start work to spend my wages on things for work)

I also ate a jacket spud (boring peoples food) and sent a letter to my Nannah and Grandad. Social butterfly eh?

Me and Biki are going to a Spiritualist fair tomorrow. Laugh all you want. I love that stuff. I hope someone tells me life will all make sense one day and that my bank will decide that, as I am such a loyal customer, they will write off my overdraft.

For now I am going to stomp around being irritable, irrational and whiny. Because I am allowed. Can you guess why? CAN YOU??

I DON'T BUGGERING WANOO GO TO WORK AND BE FRIENDLY TO ANYONE.

Jojo. (no kisses. HA)

Trust, Suspicion and Strip-club finance.

I believe I may be both too trusting and too suspicious of people.

An ex once told me I found faults in everyone. I do, I think its human nature to have flaws, hell I know I do. But is it so bad to notice them in someone else?

Maybe I just play a little game in my head like Minesweeper. Trying to avoid the people who's flaws will blow up in my face and holding onto the safe ground of people who's flaws simply make them a little unreliable or give them bad taste in men.(most of my closest friends hold this flaw, why bother with some twat who treats you like shit on a regular basis or sleep with someone in the hope that it will mean they wont get bored of you?)

Trust is a tricky thing- until not so long ago I still held onto the belief that everyone has basic principles of wrong and right, and that they would stick by that. I would trust that a stranger would tell me if I dropped a tenner or if I had my jumper inside out.

Nuh-uh, not true.

I do still believe that a secret should be a secret and being a good person is a priority in most peoples lives. I don't think people will scam me, I don't think the tube is unsafe, I don't believe that I'll be raped and murdered on my way home from work. I just cant believe it.

If I start believing stuff like that I'll become a crazed paranoid maniac, flinching at a door closing or a noise in the house somewhere. And what sort of a life is that?

I don't know where this is going, I just know I feel a little off. Maybe its lack of sleep. Maybe it's a lack of money, maybe it a lack of physical contact. Maybe it's Pembrokeshire.

Pembrokeshire has a way of being both breathtakingly beautiful and being sneakily depressing. Pembrokeshire's little claws sneak under your skin without you even noticing. Then one day, although the beaches still make you feel like your whole body is drinking them eagerly, you sit in your bed at night and feel restless, like you're doing nothing everyday. Like your swimming against it's tide. Everyone here feels it, I believe. But not everyone acknowledges it.

It's a dull blanket of nothing that starts to hang over your head, and then its in your hair and then its inside your brain, it's sticky inky substance clinging to the inner workings of your core, masking itself as something else, tiredness maybe, or financial problems or lack of sex.

My vans in the garage, radiators blown again. I'm waiting with fake optimism for the quote to fix it. I had a dream it cost £6,000. I had a dream I worked in a strip club to pay it off.

I don't quite know what I'll do. I need the van to get to work but I need to work to pay my rent and start reducing my overdraft, paying for the van may do more damage to my financial situation than good.

I miss having someone to cuddle me. I miss being naked with someone.